A Case of hiccoughs, the cat needs brushing and Me dead pinky toe

Don't be deceived.
This time me title actually have something to do with me post.
Iffin you be a reader than you possibly already know that me suffers from Sholem Aleichem Syndrome.
That is to say that Me don't always make a connection between the the tag line of me post and the content. That be the least of me problems. Yet, today Me will be talking (or typing) about the aforementioned topics.

Me has a kitty. Me has feet. And yesterday Me had a proverbial case of the herky-jerks.
Hiccoughs are funny to everyone except the sufferer, much like slipping on ice and falling on yer butt. Me can't tell you why me were being spasmodic, but Me can tell you that at the time it started; me were having a pointed discussion about familial responsibilities with the Vixen. Our pussy cat be getting on in years and she needs daily brushing to keep her from shedding all over the house. Iffin you have a pussy or have ever had one than you know how messy they can be. Constant care and cleaning is a must iffin ya want to avoid trouble.
Well the Vixen told me that it had been far to long since Me lived up to me promise to groom and rub the kitty. Hair be everywhere and she be getting ornery due to neglect.

Arguing with the wife about such things don't make much sense to me, so Me got up outta me executive swivel chair; the very seat that me softside be settled into at this very moment, and in a bit of a huff, proceeded to fulfill her request. That were when Me stubbed me toe on the leg of the table that we got second hand from a guy who had done moved to Belfast to study crisis management.
Needles to say Me started doing the Desi Arnaz, foot in hand dance across the floor. After thumping around and trying to maintain me balance the Vixen added insult to injury with the snide comment: "Oh, get off it. It's not that bad, after all you've got hammer feet."
This puzzled me, so of course Me retorted, "Wadda-hic-ya mean, hammer fe-hic-et?"
"It can't possibly hurt that much. After all your pinky toe is dead."
I just want all of you to realize that Me has beautiful tootsies. Large and well formed and that's just what Me told her.
"Give me a break, if you were Uma Thurman you would never had made it out of the parking lot." She continued in a matter of fact tone of voice. The exact same tone she uses when she feels superior to the rest of 'man'kind.She continued, "If you had escaped from being raped in a hospital and managed to get to the back seat of a car, you would have died there tryin to get your pinky toe to move."
"Whaa-Hic-aaaat?"
"Just stop foolin around and take care of the cat."
Grumbling and limping exaggeratedly, Me picked up the brush and made me way over to the damned cat; who just happened to be sleeping and tried to scratch me when Me started to brush her.

Damned cat. Damned Vixen and Damn me goddamned dead pinky toe.

Me no do drafts.

STOMP!