Once was innocent.

Here is the post and story I promised Mrs. MAYDEN a tale of youth and folly.
L ooking backwards in time can be like drifting down a familiar river during uncertain weather.
When Me decides to peruse the pages of me personal history; Me generally starts out wanting to explore the pleasant events and adventures, but more often than not, me hits a stretch of whitewater that jostles and bumps and thrashes me into remembering things that me would rather forget. Life continues to toss me from one end of the see saw to the other, much like Charlie Chaplin or Buster Keaton trying to keep his balance on a girder held high aloft a building under construction. Me actually does me darnedest to present the world with a visage of utmost austerity and wonderment at the marvels and mysteries that surround me on an everyday basis, but I have on occasion been forced to look at Me own stupidity and wonder what the hell Me was thinking (or not) at the time. One doesn't have to be a genius to realize that most people just ain't as smart or cool as they think they are. Me has always been particularly rambunctious sort who often seemed to be in the right place at the wrong time, if the right place was were you wanted to be seen doin something completely idiotic.

At the age of fifteen Me desperately wanted to impress someone me thought was the hottest, most exquisite creature thing on two legs.
It be certain there can be no force in nature that is as powerful as teenage infatuation. Me was certain that this particular person was the love of my life. All of this was based on a single conversation while riding the subway home together after school. Me was determined to posses this glittering beauty and knew at once what me had to do. Me knew of a party that was happening and even though Me didn't know the person who was throwing it, me knew enough of the people who were invited to be able to get me in through he door. With this knowledge in hand, me approached the object of me hearts desire and with the panache of a lame peacock me persuaded her to go with me.
Parties in high school are the same everywhere on the globe. Too much testosterone, posing, alcohol and far too little supervision. Me had gone out the day before and purchased all new clothes to impress me date. From head to toes me was as pristine as Prince William sound before the Exxon Valdez disaster.
Me and she, the two of us we, met at the subway entrance that was closest to the party (Stupid me was 20 min early) and proceeded to make our way to the building where the festivities were being held. During the ten minutes or so that it took to get to the building Me displayed the usual bravado that all youngins use to cover up their nervousness. The party was being held on the fifteenth floor of a pre-war doorman protected building in the upper class part of the city. There were no problems gaining entrance to the fun, but there was one condition. everyone had to remove their shoes before entering because of all the light colored carpeting. Me first thought was "good thing me is wearing clean socks."
Me kicked off me shoes and guided me date into the apartment, where the party was going strong. There be plenty of beer and other incidentals available for increasing merriment. The place was huge! there were at least five bedrooms and the kitchen where the beer was being kept had one of them islands in the middle. Me had never been in a place this big without heading out to the burbs. Me grabbed a brew for meself and tossed a beer to me date and we made our way into the living room. Feeling grand just by being with this jewel, me strutted and touched hands with anyone close enough to make contact with me. All of a sudden Me heard someone say "Oh, hey New socks." Me looked around and after a moment realized the comment was directed at me. Me looked down and me feet were positively glowing. They be whiter than white. They looked like David Shwimmer's teeth in the episode of friends where Ross uses some special toothpaste to brighten up his grinders. For all Me knows that very same screenwriter could have been at the party that night. Me tried to ignore the comment and pass it off as nothing and Me might have been successful if it weren't for the giggle that turned into a chuckle coming from me date. For some reason word of me socks got around and no matter where me went that night me kept hearing comment after comment about me feet. They looked like the Energizer bunny's ears, A zebra crossing in the darkened rooms. a pair of goal posts. In an effort to play it off, Me consumed more beer and spirits than me could handle and instead of being cool me turned into the guy that ends up knocking shit over and praying to the porcelain god. Somewhere during the evening me lost contact with the girl of me dreams and soon thereafter, consciousness.
One of Me mates got me out of the party and was helping me home. Me was so staggeringly drunk and so obnoxious that me had forgotten to be grateful to me shoes for finally covering up the source of me embarrassment. The elevator arrived and we got on. The ride seemed endless. The slow rickety decent was making my head spin. Each shudder and shimmy of the box brought the walls in closer and closer. At some point the doors opened and a well dressed elderly gentleman and his wife boarded and joined us on the endless journey to the ground floor.
"It looks like the young lad has had a little to much to drink" Stated the man with what I thought was a slightly smarmy look of disdain on his face. I looked right at him and could see his wife averting her eyes and suppressing a giggle behind her handkerchief. The man was wearing a pure white, stiffly starched shirt and it reminded me of Me socks. Me socks. those damned socks!Me stared and stared and felt the movements of the elevator tilting and rattling and as Me struggled to come up with anything other than a "go f**k yourself" Me felt the enormous wave of pressure building up from Me stomach. All the liquor, embarrassment and anger surged forward and in one helpless moment of wretchedness Me spewed the contents of me belly all over the front of his shirt and trousers.
Me remembers the uproar that followed and Me can still recall the laughter of Me friend who hustled me out of the elevator and past the screaming doorman out of the building and up the street, but what Me remembers most was the pie eyeed look of astonishment on that old man's face as Me threw up all over him. Needless to say there was never a second date with that beautiful flower of a girl and the tales of the socks and what happened after followed me around for a bit of time. Me managed to find another girl to fall in love with and vowed to never wear white socks again.

Me not proud of everything me done in life