Monster Wallenda
The Vixen really loves health fads. Iffin Me didn't put me foot down our home would be littered with all kinds of crazy stuff.
As it is, we have Yoga mats (rolled up and stored in their special carrying bags), an orange exercise ball (slowly losing air and gathering dust), a pair of silly dumbbells that you put water into to make 'em heavy (me filled them with wine once and pretended to be working out whilst in reality me were getting a buzz) and various books about diet and nutrition.
Me not gonna let you in on some of the culinary disasters that me has had to suffer through in the name of good health and clean living.
Behind all these attempts is the honest to goodness desire to keep me healthy. After all ya don't want the cash cow dropping dead before ya can put him out to pasture.
OK, Me will admit that Me could lose a little weight. About twelve pounds would get me into jeans that me were wearing when in college, but Me ain't be in the worst of shape. Besides, round is a shape, aint it?
Her newest fad be the "Recording Diet". This now a huge thing in the land of Lilliput, where men are facing an ever expanding waist due to the invasion of American junk food eating habits and a middle age low metabolic rate or some such shit that she be hearing on the morning news programs.
The "diet" consits of writing down everything you consume throughout the day. That be all there is to it. Iffin me gonna stuff me maw with seven Big Mac's and ten gallons of Coke that's ok; just as long as me writes it all down. Thirty seven plates from the suhi go round be alright iffin me records it in the special notebook she got fer me to enter all the essential stomach engorging information.
She checks it too. She adds things that me has forgotten and is constantly reminding me to bring the book wherever we go.
Me can't understand how this be gonna help me to shrink the waistline. Mebbe she thinks that me conscience will get the better of me and make me eat smarter.
Me dad were Roman Catholic and Me mom be Jewish. Me were raised with guilt and shame so now me be totally impervious to it. How is writing down Me midnight snackings gonna help with me eating habits?
It be quite possible that it ain't the remorse from overeating that's gonna slow me down, it probably be the fact that she cares enough to do this stuff.
Hmmm, the things we do for each other.
Me no built fer speed.
13 comments:
I like the Wine-filled dumbbells, Scary!
in fact, gimme two!!
woo-hoo!!
B-)
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Yeah. The whole tactic is to make you consious of what you're putting into your body. The danger is going overboard, though, which is quite easy to do when it's starin' ya right in the face.
Wow, 12 lbs. off of college weight? That's pretty good:)
I remember reading once about a group of people who lost weight that way--sort of. They were told to write down everything they ate for two weeks. Then for the next two weeks they were only allowed to eat what they'd written down.
Most of them lost weight...because they'd lied about their eating to begin with.
I come from a culture that tries to eliminate coffee, tea, tobacco, and alcohol--for health. So, instead, we eat copious amounts of ice cream and french fries w/fry sauce (a concoction of mayonaise and ketchup, with secret ingredients thrown in for good measure).
People will find a way to pollute their bodies in any culture or situation.
BTW, a Big Mac and a Coke sound really good right now.
That would never work for me as I am a cheater and I would just write down what I wanted to anyway.
Try this recording diet: Write down what you eat. Then write it again, one thousand times. Do this for each thing you eat. You won't have time to eat between writings so you will consume less and you will burn calories because you'll be getting more exercise. Brilliant.
Wait just a minute. I think you can burn off about 15 calories writing down what you eat every day!!
I can see where writing down what you eat could be beneficial. It probably wouldn't work as a diet aid for me, though; I'd be tempted to do it in pencil -- with an eraser.:)
Me suggest you recount the number of silly dumbbells in your house. Iffin you look in the mirror, me thinks you'll find a third one. CRACK!
Oh brother. I was supposed to be doing that too. I kept the list in the kitchen but my memory is so bad. I would dutifully work on the list the first three days and then..poof...like everything else it blew out of my memory. On the fifth day, I went what it this piece of paper. I tried it again. Same result. Screw it.
I'd die. Sorry I love my food too much :)
keshi.
i soooo need to diet!!! I am eating sugarfree jellybeans as we speak and its only 930am! ugg!
lol to the idea of wine filled dumbells!
Dr.Chip~ Last of the two fisted drinkers, eh.
Emertron~ Me always be conscious of what me be putting in me body. Me also be very conscious of what me not be putting into hers.
December~ That sounds like the perfect way to make suffer for me sins.
Grunt~ That reminds me of a joke about Sammy Davis Jr. and Rock Hudson.
ADW~ Remind me never to play solitaire with you.
Nessa~ Instead of writing everything down, Me gonna draw pictures of food so me won't even have the chance to eat anything.
VE~ She's got it figured out to make it 1500 calories by forcing me to use a lead pencil.
SJ~ LMAO-That's the best comment of the month!!! You get 50 Monster points for that one.
Mr. Dyckerson~ One bad nights sleep and you get Mighty-cranky!
SPLEEN!
Corn Dog~ Me figgers either She will get bored or Me will die after three days or so.
Keshi~ Hey Hey Hey! Nice to see the flower of down under gracing me pages. Hope you like it here.
Kate~ Eating sugarfree jellybeans is like drinking non-alcoholic beer.
Highly unsatisfying.
STOMP.
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