Peter Pancreas
The Monster be here and posting in person tonight folks!
After three days under medical supervision and pharmacological treatment me be strollin and meandering among the highways and byways of the net again. I promise that I will visit all youse guys before me return to the clutches of Herr Doktor. (I got the weekend off due to truly horrid behaviour)
There be a certain animosity in me relationship with Herr Docktor. Me has to go to him every now and again and let him travel through the complete inner workings of me various bodily systems.
Has you ever be getting a complete and invasive physical check up? Iffin ya have then Me not havin to tell you that there be better ways to spend a couple of days.
Here in Lilliput, iffin ya work in the public service industry ya gotta go fer an annual check up. Sometimes ya get the chance to undergo in a full head to toe investigation. Yippie!
One of me recent conversations with Herr Doktor went something like this:
"Vell Mr. Monster, it es so good to see you still here."*
"Do you mean that you are happy to see me or that you are surprised I'm still alive after that wonderful rectal-ramoscopy you ordered for me?"
"Yess well, ehem, I have here ze results of you recent tests and I must say that you are in very good condition for a 57 year old man."
"Hey thanks doc, but I'm still in my 40's. What does the report say?"
"Hmm, Vat ess dat?" said me bearded physician as he perused the top page on a file that was aqs thick as the Webster's dictionary, "zere es something that don't look too kosher"
"Um, whaddaya mean doc?"
"Vell it sez here that your pancreas is off kilter. Mit not doing ze job as it should."
"What the hell is a pancreas?"
"It is ze thingamabob that is connected to ze belly bag vitch processes the bulk materials of ingestion. With pancreatic assistance the Big Mac you often eat for lunch is turned into a sludge that allows the twisty turny water slide thingy to release various und necessary goot nutrients into zee body."
"Uh, huh"
"Yez, you are to be staying here for one more day that we shall zee that the pancreas iz vermakin happy enzymes..."
What the fuck a pancreas does Me had no idea, but me did remember that weird Al did a song about it. Me mailed the Vixen, asked her to download it and bring it to me on a her portable DVD player.
Has you ever be getting a complete and invasive physical check up? Iffin ya have then Me not havin to tell you that there be better ways to spend a couple of days.
Here in Lilliput, iffin ya work in the public service industry ya gotta go fer an annual check up. Sometimes ya get the chance to undergo in a full head to toe investigation. Yippie!
One of me recent conversations with Herr Doktor went something like this:
"Vell Mr. Monster, it es so good to see you still here."*
"Do you mean that you are happy to see me or that you are surprised I'm still alive after that wonderful rectal-ramoscopy you ordered for me?"
"Yess well, ehem, I have here ze results of you recent tests and I must say that you are in very good condition for a 57 year old man."
"Hey thanks doc, but I'm still in my 40's. What does the report say?"
"Hmm, Vat ess dat?" said me bearded physician as he perused the top page on a file that was aqs thick as the Webster's dictionary, "zere es something that don't look too kosher"
"Um, whaddaya mean doc?"
"Vell it sez here that your pancreas is off kilter. Mit not doing ze job as it should."
"What the hell is a pancreas?"
"It is ze thingamabob that is connected to ze belly bag vitch processes the bulk materials of ingestion. With pancreatic assistance the Big Mac you often eat for lunch is turned into a sludge that allows the twisty turny water slide thingy to release various und necessary goot nutrients into zee body."
"Uh, huh"
"Yez, you are to be staying here for one more day that we shall zee that the pancreas iz vermakin happy enzymes..."
What the fuck a pancreas does Me had no idea, but me did remember that weird Al did a song about it. Me mailed the Vixen, asked her to download it and bring it to me on a her portable DVD player.
Me had this educational and elucidating video posted here for yer viewing pleasure.
ENJOY!
Talking with them in the medical profession be an ever enlightening trip into the complexity and frailty of the human body...How about a different kind of enlightenment.
What be the worst thing anyone has ever said to you?
What event in yer life made you more nervous or conflicted than you been ever feelin before in yer life?
What be yer greatest concern fer yer future?
What it gonna take for you to attain happiness?
What give you the willies?
Who do you call in the middle of the night when yer scared?
Me no in the clear just yet.
* Me doctor speaks with a Japanese accent, but me thought German were funnier.
What be the worst thing anyone has ever said to you?
What event in yer life made you more nervous or conflicted than you been ever feelin before in yer life?
What be yer greatest concern fer yer future?
What it gonna take for you to attain happiness?
What give you the willies?
Who do you call in the middle of the night when yer scared?
Me no in the clear just yet.
* Me doctor speaks with a Japanese accent, but me thought German were funnier.
15 comments:
To one and all(Except fer the little bastid who called me an avacado.) Thanks fer playing along fer the last few days. Me didn't expect that a simple check up would turn into a frickin nightmare.
Me has read alla ya comments and got quite a few laffs from them. Ya all be STOMPERS and ya makes me proud. When me gets the time, me will visit each and every one of ya and leave a footprint or two.
Me gonna take a day or two off and go breath country air and fart around some deaf folks.
Be STOMPY
I never visit doctors. They poke things into places that have no business being poked and the waiting rooms are full of sick people. How far up did he have to poke to reach your pancreas?
Take care, and remember deaf people can still smell. No beans.
I'm going to try those questions...
What be the worst thing anyone has ever said to you?
I think it's usually the other way around. I've never much cared what others think of me so insults just bounce off.
What event in yer life made you more nervous or conflicted than you been ever feelin before in yer life?
When I was told, at school, that I was selected for the Oxford/Cambridge entry exam. At the time I hadn't decided whether or not to go to university, and this felt like someone else was in control - not just 'You're going to university' but 'You're going to the one we tell you to.'
What be yer greatest concern fer yer future?
Can't see the future and don't want to. The worst thing that could happen is that stupidity turns out to be contagious.
What it gonna take for you to attain happiness?
Someone once told me that if everyone else in the world died tomorrow, I'd complain the corpses were in my way. Any place sited a long way from people would suit me.
What give you the willies?
Balloons. I've never understood the appeal of a skin stretched around a ball of nothing, and I'm continually expecting them to go bang.
Who do you call in the middle of the night when yer scared?
It's tempting to say 'Ghostbusters' but since I suppose that's me, it won't work. I don't get scared in the night. If I did, I couldn't do what I do.
That's as close as I can get to decent answers. It'll do.
Oh Scary. My heart goes out to you. I thought you were off having a Monster adventure. I hope you and your pancreas are doing well. Go to the country. Play some golf. Have some fun.
The worst things people have said to me were things medical people have said to me. My surgeon said to me after removing a tumor, "I'm sure you suspected it was malignant." Ummm, no. No one ever suspects they have cancer. Then after that battle, my oncologist yelled at me "I'm going to do an MRI to prove to you that you don't have a brain tumor. It is very expensive and you're wasting the insurance company's money." Guess what? I had a brain tumor. Yeah, he apologized but I still think about his arrogance sometimes. The neurosurgeon that looked at the brain tumor MRI said, "I don't know if the tumor is intraaxial or extraaxial." This statement in itself seems innocous but the translation was if it was intraaxial, the my cancer had metastasized. I was a dead Corn Dog walking.
And so these days it takes very little to make me happy. Maybe it's brain damage from the BENIGN brain tumor removal.
Scary, you will be fine. You are, after all, Scary Monster, so you can scare your pancreas into acting like it's supposed to. Now, I shall distract you by telling you the worst thing anyone ever said to me.
Below is a conversation that occurred with my now ex-boyfriend:
Me: I need a belt. My pants are too loose since I lost some weight.
Him: No, they look good.
Me: Seriously, they're about to fall off.
Him: I like them like that. They used to be so tight that it looked like you had painted them on.
Awww friend...I am sad you are going through this. I hope all will go well~
Once, in a fit of anger against the world, but I was in the way- a black man called me racist. The black ladies within earshot- who were my friends- are the ones who hugged me and said the man was an idiot. I forgave him- but to this day that was the ugliest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Having a baby- both times- scared the bejesus out of me. I will NEVER do it again.
Happiness is elusive, but joy is always mine.
I pray when I'm scared...and lots of other times too :)
Thinking of you Scary- hugs :)
Damn SM, I am so sorry to hear all this. I hope things get better and quick!
What be the worst thing anyone has ever said to you?
I love you like a brother
What event in yer life made you more nervous or conflicted than you been ever feelin before in yer life?
Have not really had one yet. I have always just gone with the flow and worried more about the past then the future. I would rather regret a mistake than not doing something.
What be yer greatest concern fer yer future?
See above
What it gonna take for you to attain happiness?
Already there. Happiness is always ready to take you in, just most people like to push it away until it defines itself for them.
What give you the willies?
Flying bugs and blood
Who do you call in the middle of the night when yer scared?
My kitties.
I thought you were in jail, Monster Man.
I am sorry to hear that nasty ole pancreas is acting up. I hope he behaves real soon.
Enjoy the fresh air this weekend and rest up.
You ask some mighty deep questions.
Sounds like quite an ordeal, Scary. I'm so sorry your pancreas decided to turn on you. I'm sending good wishes your way and hope you'll be feeling fine very soon.:)
I'm sorry. Bodies turn on you at the worst times, don't they?
My worst moment? A tie. When doctors told my mom she had cancer, and when doctors told my hubby he had diabetes and heart disease.
Who do I call in the middle of the night? I pray. Not Dear Heavenly Father prayers either, but I figure God can handle me STOMPing at Him.
Hey guys, um, I didn't mean to make it sound as if I were dying or in pain. Actually I thought the entire time spent being poked, prodded and ultrasounded was kinda ludicrous. I probably would have died from boredom more than anything else. If ze doktor hadn't made me make pee pee into a Dixie cup, than I never would have known about the pancreas thing. I just wanted to joke about going through a complete physical, which isn't ant fun at all.They put you through a lot of insane shit in a two day period. In a way Mr. Dyckerson had it right.
Don't trip when ya STOMP!
Scary
That is a Weird Al song better left forgotten, like Dare To Be Stupid from Transformers the (Cartoon) Movie.
You have my biggest sympathies. I am a loose cannon in any doctors surgeries. Any given time - boom, there come the waterworks, the shakes, increased heart rate and I swear I'm about to drop dead.
And the doctor has only said I might be having a bit of a high cholesterol and need to watch it a little more.
My worst day was when the doctor thought I might have a ruptured osephegus and booked me in for a gastrococopy. I was sure I was going to swallow my next meal and have it break through my chest and get stuck in my lung cavity.
I have my Dad on speed dial and I call him when I'm about to hit the roof in hysteria.
You are going to be ok - because I said you are. :)
good luck, friend.
Having just had my own dude[-ette]-you-let-me-down experience with my body, I would understand if you said you were frustrated with your pancreas. Sounds like you're not, though--which means that old Stompelodeo is steaming along full speed. Good on ya!
Happy healing pancreas, my monster friend.
I actually liked the Weird Al pancreas song.
What be the worst thing anyone has ever said to you?
Don't know: blissfully forgotten until the next worst thing comes along.
What event in yer life made you more nervous or conflicted than you been ever feelin before in yer life?
When we were called to my mother's deathbed. [She subsequently pulled through, but we didn't know that then.]
What be yer greatest concern fer yer future?
The knowledge that I shall some day, far sooner than I want to or think I should, die.
What it gonna take for you to attain happiness?
I am happy.
What give you the willies?
The degeneration of my own body.
Who do you call in the middle of the night when yer scared?
Don't have to call: I reach over and touch him.
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