Balancing the Books

You got stuff that drives ya crazy? Find irksome? Just really dislike doing? Me do too.
Pretty much anytime we go out into the world and bump into people we are going to hear about things that other folks find perturbing.

"I don't like waking up early."
"Housework sucks!"
"Can't you leave the toilet seat down, Goddammit!"
"Why the hell does it take her an hour to pick out something to wear, fer chrissake!"
"The traffic this morning made me wish I had a Glock 9"
"I can never understand these tax forms"
"How come the fuckin TV always breaks don the day after the warranty runs out?"
"I wake up every morning with hair in my mouth and I'm going fuckin bald. Is this mental floss?"
"How come I can't ever find the edge of a roll of cellophane tape"
" Why doesn't someone invent a pump that will let you get the last of the shampoo out of the bottle without having to jerk the damn thing off?"
"Am I ever gonna get a cup of coffee that doesn't have some fuckin grind at the bottom of the cup?"
"Don't you just hate the way pebbles find their way into your shoes."
"Damn bartender only notices the broads with big tits."

OK, OK, Me thinks ya get the picture, but these ain't me problems. There be one thing that totally revolts me and there be no reason that me can give to explain why it be.

Me hates to take a dump if me be wet.
Does this happen to you? Iffin me be wet, like soaking wet, Me cannot go to the toilet.
Me would rather walk on hot coals than pinch a loaf after a swim.
Iffin me be in the shower me could pee Niagra falls, but iffin Me gets a sphincter spasm there is no way me can go sit onna shit stool and lay out some Lincoln Logs.
Me never feels as if me can deliver the whole load. And forget about toilet paper. Me probably goes through half a roll tryin to make sure that everything be copacetic before me goes back into the water. Now that don't make any kind of sense, do it?

Now there be some people who might say that this be waaaaay too much info, but hey we all lay cable and we've all had problems with cheap toilet paper or even instances where there been none at all.
Sometimes talkin shit is to be taken literally. It reduces us to the same level. After all Me be pretty sure that George Clooney and Julia Roberts count kernels of corn; same as you and Me.

Me no full o' shit.