Just before the dawn
About two months ago, me were probably at one of the lowest points in me life. Me were so upset and depressed by me situation that me were be considering either takin off and disappearing or doing meself in.
This be not like me. Me gonna say that again, just sos ya know. This is NOT like me. Me don't ever let the temporary circumstances of life get to me so badly that me wants to snuff it. Even when me life were threatened by disease, Me had a more positive outlook on things.
Man, Me cain't tell you how goldarned terrifying this be to me now that me be looking backwards.
To be honest, right now this place these thoughts and the words used to express them be the single source of satisfaction that me has.
Me wonder what me gonna do when me gives it up?
Things at work have changed. Me be talking a McTwist kinda change. Fer tha last two weeks Me has actually been getting up and looking forward to going to work and feeelin good by the time me comes home.
In the past when work got me down or it weren't fun Me just changed jobs, but now me be older, married and handcuffed to loans that Me needs to pay back.
It sucks when you feel that you have had the freedom of choice taken away from you. Me not used to it and Me ain't the kinda Monster that enjoys wearing a collar.
Like Me said, Me got lucky. Work be a better place and Me ain't bringing me garbage home anymore, the Vixen likes that.
Other than blogging or writing, what be yer main mode of stress relief?
Do you have a story of utter bleakness and despair that you be willing to share?
Me no throwin in the towel.
17 comments:
I have been there my friend and I am always here if you need a guide in that dark world. I have no wife or bills really, but I am also at that age where changing jobs/locations is just not as easy as it once was. Aside from writing, I tend to use video games to relieve stress. Nothing takes the edge away like blowing up a starship or slaying a dragon. If I am in a really bad mood I just go online and play against other people.
Take care- these times are designed so you can recognize the great times and enjoy them that much more. You are one of the most loved bloggers I have met, so relax my friend. You have more than just the Vixen behind you.
I am glad you are in a better place, Monster Man, and that you like your work. That is very important, since you must spend so many daily hours earning a living. I hate that stuck feeling myself, but you are right, in reminding yourself these things don't last forever.
I go through cyclic depressions. I remind myself that they are only due to chemicals coursing through my brain and it will be over soon. In the meantime, I write, meditate, draw, wallow in self pity, cry hysterically, crochet, sleep, yell, walk, and stare for hours at bad TV. As you can see, I'm perfectly well adjusted.
I've been there, too. There have been some very bleak and hopeless looking moments. It took me several decades to gain the maturity to realize that it all passes and doesn't look nearly so bad in hindsight. Believe me, I know how it feels in the moment, though. Scary, dear, as long as blogging provides you with a stress relief outlet, there's only one answer: DON'T QUIT.
I relieve stress these days by holing up with a really good book and a killer stash of junk food. I eat like a pig and get lost in the book and then sleep it off. Things almost always look much brighter the next morning.:)
I've sort of been there. Went through a divorce after 17 years of marriage and it came completely by surprise. No other person involved either. I totally shocked everyone we knew. Some still scratch their head wondering why to this day (I've moved on). Fast foward two years later and I'm about back to normal with a steady girlfriend and very happy. As stress relief, I just do things I like to do (hike, bike, collect, write, etc.).
Yes friend...been there- glad we are both not there anymore~
:)
I will email you my story... its too depressing for here. Judging by all the comments, most of us here can empathize with you if not sympathize.
I never got to the point that I wanted to end it all... I just really wanted to run away. I guess I did that too... in many ways...
Anyway big guy, I am glad that you are feeling better... and that you have us here to use for stress relief! I definitely use blogging for that. Its been like a best friend at times... idk if thats good or bad, but it is what it is!
Have a good weekend!
I've come very close- I have a lovely therapist and superfun meds now. Everyone gets down at some point- some people worse than others. My situation was work related too.
My 2 blogs do help, as well as some ultra-caring friends...
I guess being online and having my computer.
Glad you're not throwin' in the towel. And I'm happy that you aren't in this place any more.
I've been there. It was horrible. When I was going through my divorce, I confided in and counted solely on my best friend. She was the only person that I felt I could tell ALL to. She suddenly died (at age 26) while I was going through this. I was totally lost without her. I was totally lost-- period. Too quickly I became involved in another relationship with someone that I had been friends with for years. We were going through many similar things and we grew extremely close. That was great, but as is usual when you jump the gun quickly, it ended and I was devastated. I had all the things I hadn't dealt with to deal with--my friend's death, my divorce and now a new break up that was even more than a typical relationship because I lost someone who was a wonderful friend. I felt like a destoyed human.
I didn't eat or ate too much, didn't sleep at all or slept all the time, and I had some health problems to show because of this. Not to mention doing anything to numb the pain--alcohol, prescription drugs, pot.I have traded in these things now for talks with caring friends, travel, hikes, and ice cream.
I'm happy to be where I am now. If ever I get down on myself for not being where I think I should be at this point in my life, I remember where I have come from and I am blissful to be where I am now. In fact, nearly everything seems small to me now because I know I am a survivor.
Me hate to spoil yer good mood, but me have pictures of yer wife in bed with yer boss. Would you like to buy some?
I make things. I "bleed" into projects like my graphics and when its really dark - I draw with old fashioned crayons like a little kid. I escape in listening to music and bleeding out into an image or a design.
Glad to hear you are feeling better, Scary. Life is kind of rrrrrrough, to put it mildly.
I was just thinking about similar things tonight. Yes. I have an anniversary coming up of probably one of the worst things that has happened to me, personally. And this year has been one of the most stressful of my life. It doesn't always look it from the outside, day to day...but you have to look at the changes in me in just one year to see how much my life has been affected by it all.
What do I do not to go mad? Well...me be thinking me has to find a better solution than the one me gots. Me be looking for something better as we speak, cuz what me gots ain't workin'.
The blogging has been quite a life saver in the last year. But...there are some RL people who have gotten hold of it and thats a shame. I gotta think about all I write now.
Happy to hear you are coping well...remember...it ain't a collar if you choose it.
xx
pinks
Yours truly has also been at that point. It was while I was in one of those valleys* (* and not the "Hidden" salad dressing or even the furry, fragrant and stimulating kind, either) that I was sitting on the can, reflecting on my life while George Harrison's "All Things Must Pass" was playing in the background.
And then I had an epiphany: all things must pass. So why not wipe the slate clean, and re-enter the world with a lighter burden and a fresher approach? We all feel those occasional pangs, as if we can go no further. But perhaps what we really need is a simple "Pit Stop", to think and evacuate that self-defeating baggage we tend to accumulate and carry around with us.
I hope this helped, Scary One. Now - as Dr. Laura would say - GO TAKE ON THE DAY.
You know what takes the edge off? Autoeroticasphixiation. I don't know how to spell it, but it really does the trick.
Well, Scary, your faith that it will pass did in fact get you through it. Good on ya, my monster.
I hated my last job so much that my brain couldn't cope with it so I couldn't even REALIZE how much I hated it. Until I quit, that is. Only as I watched myself turn back into the me I know and love did I realize the toll the old job had been taking. I still work very hard and sometimes have long hours, but what I do with the effort and the time are so much more meaningful to me now. I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have a job I enjoy so much.
...Of course, the antidepressants probably helped, too...
Mine is music and I have some for you my man.
I want to change jobs right now but I have that tricky thing called health insurance that I kind of need right now. Sucks.
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