ME NO BLOG

1,2,3...Quietus.

2007-12-03T11:59:00.001+09:00

365 points of view, tributes and diatribes.
Hundreds of hours of contemplation.
Constant dilligence in search of a truth, my truth.
Honest appreciation of your opinions.
Time well spent in the company of of others, but...
It's time for me to go.

Thank you for all your kindness, yer thoughts, instruction and love.

Bye.

stomp

Me no blog HERE no more.

Places me no stomp.

2007-12-01T00:43:00.000+09:00

Lookin through me big book of ides and topics me sees lots of things me never got around to babbling about. so Me be thinkin that this be the perfect time to let the monster run loose and see iffin Me cain't get the lot of it out.

Why do people make such a big deal about toothpaste. iffin ya squeeze it inna middle of da tube or ya leave the cap on or off me never thought it be all that big a deal. Not at least when the rent's over due.
Now iffin yer gonna talk about rent and how ya have to dole it out month after month why is it that the land lord only wants ta talk to ya when it be money yer owing him and not when it be time to fix the leaky ceiling. Me has had a roof that not only allows me to save on the water bill by collecting it in buckets strategically placed, but the tiles above me head are growing mouldy and me be thinkin that Me might just start up a bakery.

Bakeries are a pretty good business, me thinks. Can you think of any other enterprise where people are gonna need yer product to be refilled on a daily basis? It be like this: iffin ya buy an ice box then ya figger it will last either three years and a day or five years and one day, a dog is good fer about twelve to fifteen years and a wife for about seven. A car ought to last twenty years or so, unless you drive like Billy Joel or be havin the capriciousness of Paris Hilton.

Now that be a wonderful example of wasting yer life. Mr. Joel likes to spend he creativeness inside a bottle and Paris likes to flaunt the fact that she ain't got a creative bone in her body.
She's coming to Lilliput and everyone's makin a big hoo-haa over it. Me hope that some secret ninja squad will find her and put her out of me misery.

Celebrities have status that never done cease to amaze me and they all have to find some kind of cause to represent. We got ribbons fer everything: Breast Cancer, The troops fighting Bush's war of inanity(poor stompers), AIDS, Tibeten monks, the Honeybee, you name it, there be a ribbon thet someone be wearing to let ya know there be a problem that ain't been fixed yet. Me even sees them hanging out in the corner of some blogs and while me ain't gonna stomp them, Me reckons that there are so many things that mess up life that unless we all get offa our butts and get to work at becoming real then the problems of today just gonna multiply and we will hand them to the next generation of people to fix.

Now that is truly scary because the next generation is quickly becoming incapable of doing anything fer themselves. A more emotionally stunted and linguistically challenged group of people, Me done never met. We done forgot thet schooling were a privilege and now what folks be calling edumacation be only the poorest excuse fer baby sitting. Any idiot with enough time on their hands can get themselves through public school cuz we know ya don't even have ta prove that ya know anything to progress through that system and iffin daddy can foot the bill then you gonna be able to get an even more expensive yet just as worthless sheepskin. Lettin stupid folks run the world be some of the worst of things happening today.

Me not wantin ya to think that there are only crappy things goin on. The ever changing planet we live on do produce many fine examples of happy making things. Bubba teeth are still being made and reruns of the Waltons as well as Barney Miller can be found on many cable systems.

Me took a break to talk to the Vixen and find out iffin me were just rantin or me were just reasonable. The Vixen can justify anything under the sun.　She be smarter than anyone me knows. Me not shittin ya here. There ain't nuthin she cain't talk about and iffin she don't know the answer she can ask the question that will keep yer brain spinnin fer quite some time searchin fer an appropriate answer. Me cain't argue, but me sees me own thangs.

Me got no touch that keepss mee sane.

Crossroads

2007-11-30T23:56:00.000+09:00

That things be happening at this particular point in time be kinda puzzling to mesself.
Two days before the epilogue post and all hell breaks loose.

Me ain't talked about me family much on Me No Blog cuz this ain't a family type of place. Wait, Me gotta take that back. It is a family. A strange and decidedly bizarre family that me has truly come to love in a daffy delirious kind of way.
Me done did me thing and many of you been here fer a long time or short, but you gone and helped me to achieve the thing what me set out to do.

Me gonna be heading back to the rotten core of the Big Apple fer a time and iffin any of you just happen to be in that area, drop me a line and mebbe we can get together fer a beer or six. I promise not to STOMP....too loudly.

Me no thinkin 'bout tomorrow.

Who's Next.

2007-11-30T22:49:00.000+09:00

Have you ever come to a realization, an epiphany, a serendipitous insight into the lies you tell yourself.

At any time in your life ya just might find that you be more robot than ya thought and that you end up doing things, not because ya want to or because ya be following yer own path, but fer the subconscious desire to avoid trouble at all costs.

Life be messy and right now me gots to make the choice of choices. Does me stay or does me go. Not talkin about blogging, but about fulfilling responsibilities. How important are the promises ya make to yerself and yer spouse and the people who rely on you as compared to the responsibilities engendered by filial piety?

Some say there be no choice, but me be the kind of idiot who always be lookin fer the third, fourth or even the fifth possibility in any given situation.

Me going home...

Me no got but one mother.

One more step and a skip and a jump

2007-11-29T23:05:00.000+09:00

Me keeps time by the sun, the moon the stars and me stomach.
Me don't like watches and often refer to alarm clocks as a devil wearing leiderhosen.

There be no reason to work harder than ya need to. Throwin yer body out of balance to make life more than comfortable just don't make sense.

Me be hoping that one day me can get along without worrying about having to make sure all the T's are crossed and the I's dotted before me gets to sleep.

Me really enjoys daydreaming. How 'bout you? Do ya ever let reality slip away and enjoy a trip ino lala land when yer supposed to be makin the bosses happy?

One time me done gone on an all expense paid trip fer two into the Amazon jungle where Me single handedly freed an enslaved village and sauntered away with a ruby encrusted icon.

Fiction can be stranger than life.

Me no here and now.

Me be Monster.

2007-11-29T22:53:00.000+09:00

Almost all the leaves have left the branches of the trees and left them looking forlorn and stark.
When me be walking along the road me foot falls make an odd rustling sound on the carpet.

It be good that me stompin takes on a subdued feelin from time to time. It let's me sneak up on unsuspecting peoples and gives me some time to observe their goings on.

Kids at play never cease to amaze one Scary Monster. They be able to make even the most trivial object into an amusement of one sort or another. Me happened upon a gathering of boys thet were battling the hardened ground with the most unusual implements. One kid had a ski, another had a tree branch and the third had a cracked, blue plastic pail. They must've gotten them at the nearby housing garbage dump.

Me can remember the days when Me were just a tadpole and there were adventures of every kind located just behind me home or on the walk home from school. Looking back, as old bastids are wont to do, Me can recall the frivolity and restlessness of me time as a mini-monster.

When ya come to the midway of a trip and the shores are both far and near and equidistant, there be a tremulous disturbance in the spirit. Ya can look back and recall all the things that brought you this far or ya can face the wind and ride on into where the waves take you. When ya come to the end of a trip ya can look back or ya can take off yer shoes. Iffin ya just be startin out on a journey then there be nuthin but the open road ahead of ya.

There me be starin at some kids diggina hole and thinkin about the times when me done did the same damn thang and me goes up to asks them where they goin. Where the heck do ya think ya gonna end up? The kid holdin the broken plastic bucket looks up at an old man who got no business disturbin the rhythm of fun and sez... America!

Me no never did get to China.

Picture me this...

2007-11-28T22:43:00.000+09:00

There be a folder in me files where me keeps all of the pictures me done used and some that never made it to the pages while producing Me No Blog. Me not knowing iffin ya do this or not, but Me done collected an impressive amount of silly photos.

Looking through them me be startin to wonder how many hours me done spent searchin fer stuff on the net, takin snapshots with the handy Monster cell-phone and photoshopping things so as to keep things interesting fer the readers that visit.

Me also be thinking about the folders in me head that probably contain a lot more pictures than ever been put in any computer. Me gots snapshots. Me gots videos. Me gots epic productions that make Cecil B DeMille look like a kid with crayons drawing on a tablecloth at a cheap ass family restaurant.

Me would love to be able to jack me brain into a computer and download the visions Me done beheld, like Roy Batty in Blade runner:

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.

What about dreams? Damn, wouldn't it be freaky iffin ya could record them fer viewing. Some of the stories the Vixen be telling me would put Hollywood outta business in six months flat. The stuff me twisted mind comes up with often reminds me of Salvatore Dali finger painting with condiments.

You got weird dreams?
You got images?
You got stuff deep down inside ya that there be no way ya ever gonna show anyone?.......Me too!

Me no look before me leaps.

Time for the Give and Take.

2007-11-27T04:25:00.000+09:00

You gots ta tell me 'cuz me cain't tell you.

Is there any balance in life's big equations?
Is there ever an equal amount of love or trust or happiness when people get together?
Iffin energy cain't be destroyed where done all the passion get changed into?
How far outta whack do things have to get before we notice that the little noise done become a rattle.
Me can fix a bicycle, build a wall, mix a drink, tell a story, balance a checkbook, find the clitoris, tend a garden and whip up a tasty dinner on a very tight budget Me missing anything?

Without concerning mesself with the soap opera that goes on in the world, me be wondering how to get things right...here.

Is a birthday or Christmas present as tasty when ya ask fer it or is it better as a surprise?
What about when ya feel like yer begging fer something ta happen?
When yer mind or spirit be troublin you, what song do ya listen to?
(Me be chillin out with Otis Redding right now- 'Sittin on The Dock of the Bay.')

Have ya ever wanted to fall into a book and stay there?
Why do Me want to slap folks who answer rhetorical questions with proverbial answers?

Me collects glassware.
The glasses collect dust.
Do that be making me an ipso facto dust collector?
(even though it be true, Me just wanted to use ipso facto in a sentence)

Me reckons "T" be having the answers.
Some where in the lyrics of a Tom Waits song or between the pages of a Tom Robbins book or mebbe a Terry Gilliam movie; Me might find a clue to keepin the see saw movin smoothly.

You got any other "T"s?

The sun be coming up so Me figgers that me ought to go back to bed...

Me no wearin me spectacles today.

Payment in full

2007-11-26T00:34:00.000+09:00

The story starts here:

The brigand's threat died out like an echo that rolls it's way through a valley of verdant pastures, slowly dissipating into memory and then complacence. The various excursions that had brought Cabo to this village had given him an abundance of experiences for him to ruminate upon and he preferred to spend his days thinking about all he had learned from the folks he had met upon his travels.

The trinkets and tokens he had exchanged along the way had not only allowed him to continue learning about the world. they had also been payment for the help he received and gave to others.
Now he was at a loss. it seemed that none of the lessons he learned would help him to deal with this strange new land and it's unusual customs. In the world of animals things made sense, but here among the bipeds all logic deserted him and the way that these creatures treated each other made no sense.

There are so many things a frog can understand, especially if he is as intelligent as our friend: Horses wanting to run free and a young Fish wanting to swim can all be deemed reasonable, but the strong taking advantage of the weak was something that he couldn't wrap his mind around. Even the Raven and Owls who quarreled over night and day and the Chicken who wanted a
moment's rest was more understandable to him.

We will never know just how much fortune and fate play in the lives we lead and maybe it's better that way. A frog on his way from here to there doesn't really need to know that the tree he was sitting in and the woman and children he defended would play a part in the schemes of his existence and determine yet another course of action that he himself did not know about. (But you did, I'm sure)

While the woman quickly forgot about the mysterious stranger, her calico cat did not. Cat, who spent her days either lounging in the shade in front of the house or roaming the area hunting for a snack or two now spent part of her time keeping tabs on the frog who took up residence in the tree across the road. Cabo also realized that the calico feline was watching him and did not want to become one of her mid-day meals, so he too, remained vigilant.

It came to pass that one day after returning to his spot in the tree after a leisurely swim and a walk around the village Cabo came face to face with Cat. She was sitting quite still in the crook of the branches that he usually occupied and if it weren't for the sunlight that happened to reflect from her flinty green eyes he would never had noticed that she were sitting there; so good was the camouflage of her coat.

Cabo popped up and begun to introduce himself, 'Hello. My name is..'
'Follow me', said Cat, without preamble and leapt lightly from branch to branch until she landed on the ground then trotted across the road and along the path that went to the area behind the house she lived in. She did not look back and Cabo could do nothing except follow, which is exactly what he did.
Cat was waiting for Cabo near what appeared to be a shrine and a smithy of some sort. It was clearly unused, but kept clean and manifested an appearance of dignity which neither time nor vacancy could diminish. Cabo approached and once again started to introduce himself 'I am', and once again Cat cut him off, 'The blade you are carrying does not belong to you! That makes you a thief or one of their confederates.' Cat sat down and wrapped her tail around herself and told Cabo of the blade which he inherited. 'It was one of a pair made in this house by a master sword maker many years ago and the pair of blades were to be delivered to the local baron who wanted to present them to the royal prince as a gift in celebration of his marriage. The swords were made and then before the craftsman could deliver them they were stolen from the house leaving the baron embarrassed and the sword master in disgrace for the baron never believed the swords were made and that the master was a liar of the lowest sort.'

Cabo listened as Cat continued to tell of the downfall of the house and the sorrows that befell the family. Then at one point he interrupted, 'My name is Cabo and I am no thief and none of the people I associate with are dishonorable.' The low growl that emanated from Cat told him that he was treading on dangerous ground, so he continued carefully, 'although I did not know the history of my sword I will tell you that I received it fairly and in friendship.' The frog continued. 'What of the other blade? Surely such a fine sword could hardly go unnoticed. Was the culprit ever discovered?'
Cat stood and walked toward Cabo. She circled him once and than sat down again, only this time she was much closer than Cabo would have liked. She spoke softly. You, frog are not a swordsman, for if you were, you would have known that the man you crossed blades with a short while back was holding the very sword I was telling you about.

Late into the evening Cabo and Cat discussed what had to be done to restore the family to it's rightful place and to punish the the man responsible for the misfortune that the house had suffered. This was not as easy as it sounds for the man was the leader of a group of desperate outlaws that had grown far too powerful for the local authorities to control. This put Cabo in a fairly bad way for the only way he could possibly get the sword back was to win it in a duel and there was no way he was prepared to take the life of another living being. He told this to Cat in no uncertain terms and then he made his way back to the tree. As Cabo was leaving the garden he heard the low rumbling growl of Cat, 'There is the blade of life and the blade of death. Though they are made from the same material and employed in the same manner. Their use is judged by whether they bring justice to the world or propagate evil. The choice is yours.'

Cabo did not sleep well. Cat's story bounced around in his head and prevented him from relaxing. He was not sure that any of this had anything to do with him. After all, wasn't he just passing through? Did it really matter what happened to the swords now? The family was done for and they would never be able to regain the prominence that they once held. No matter how hard the frog tried to justify his position, he knew that he had no choice in the matter. He approached Cat and asked for directions to where the brigand and his men made camp.

There really wasn't any need for convincing stories and making choices for that was all taken care of by the bandit who had returned to the village that morning to make good his word and kill the frog. He stood in the middle of the road in front of the sword master's house and bellowed up at the tree for Cabo to come down and face him.
Cabo appeared from the opposite side of the road and attracted the bandits attention with a simple; 'I am here'
The bandit immediately unsheathed the sword and Cabo saw for himself that everything Cat told him was true. Cabo also unsheathed his blade, drawing it slowly so that the bandit could get a proper look at it. A flash of both recognition and anger washed over the scoundrels face as he pointed and exclaimed, 'Where did you get that blade? It was stolen from me by a scurvy old sea monkey ages ago.' The bandit scowled. 'That is MINE! Give it to me now!'
Cabo looked at the bandit with a sad expression on his face. 'Yes I know where this blade came from and how it came to be in my possession.' He raised the tanto into a ready position and said, 'That it was stolen, there is no doubt. You will be receiving it, but not in the way you expect.' With those words the frog advanced, feinted and slashed at the bandit. The duel ensued and the adversaries tested each other's intelligence, ability and righteousness. Cat watched on as Cabo fought with the bandit. There is no need to describe all the parries, tricks and nastiness involved in such business. Let it simply be said that when all was done there was one less bandit and one very dejected frog in the middle of a dusty road that very few people travelled on anymore.

Cat went up to the outlaw and sniffed at the body that lay vivisected and bleeding from a single wound. He then started to remove the sword from the bandit's grip when a hoarse cry bellowed 'HALT!' Cabo moved forward still brandishing the tanto and spoke, 'That sword is mine not yours.'
Cat yowled and extended the claws on both front paws and retorted, 'after all you have heard; would you sink to the level of this, this...' Cat gestured to the lifeless corpse in the road then looked back at Cabo, 'and decide to keep the blades for yourself?'

'What I decide to do with the spoils of battle is up to me.' Cabo walked past Cat and picked up his sword. He also removed the scabbard that accompanied it and after a cursory wipe he slid the blade firmly into place. Then he did the same for his tanto. 'Cat,' called Cabo, 'will you take me to the Barron's castle. I have something here that belongs to him.'

Cat looked at Cabo in surprise and then smiled, turned and lead our frog up the road towards the Barron's residence where I am pretty sure he recieved something for his troubles.

The end....?

Post Stomp: The original uncut version of all the Cabo tales are quite long. It be very difficult fer me to chops them up and bring em to ya, so me be hoping you will enjoy the fable.
~~STOMP.~~ Me means JUMP!

Come and Go.

2007-11-25T21:56:00.000+09:00

Everytime Me be returning home from a trip or journey or what have you, there be a strange mixture of anticipation to end the adventure and get back to familliar surroundings as well as a distinct feeling to allow things to continue and let the fates play their hand.

Given the choice, would ya rather stay lost in a world of fantasy or would ya rather choose the more mundane path of enlightenment. There be so many stupidities that Me just ain't out grown. As Me done gotten older, Me beginning to wonder iffin they be all that stupid.

Me loves to work the earth. Watching the seasons change. Learning when to move and when to sleep. Engaging in the ordeals of Sisyphus allows me to understand that all the doings will never be completed. Them Greeks were wise beyond the lifespan of their culture.

Me loves to get lost in passions. To be devoured mentally and physically and be reborn in spirit.
Spending all me resources to the point of complete exhaustion in loving embrace be a fine way to learn about what drives the human spirit. Orgasms be the closest thing to death ya can experience on a regular basis.

Purity is fer the weak. Of course this be me opinion and yer free to disagree with it. The use of chemicals to periodically free one from the bonds of reality is a useful tool to understand the limits or eternity of the mind.

Words can get in the way of communication. Me can't count the amount of times the things me said were taken in a completely different way than what Me intended. This be particularly true fer those close to me. The paradox were that usually both parties were correct in they interpretation. Still, stories be a great way to pass on whatever knowledge you've gained.

Not having money may not be a sin, but being poor is. Not sharing what you have be even more venal than taking what don't belong to you.

Vulgarity is not humour although it might make ya laugh. Take it from the Monster. Me be one of the most vulgar people me knows. Iffin ya gonna use obscenity to get yer message across than ya better be smarter than yer audience otherwise ya just a parvenu. Lenny Bruce, Sam Kinison and others did a magnificent job of this.

Believe in yerself. If ya can't tell someone to take a flying leap then ya just ain't dancing to yer own tune. Ya gonna have to bump into others and see iffin yer voice holds up against those around ya. Me never met anyone thet me couldn't learn something from iffin they were willing to make me listen to 'em.

Iffin ya think ya got what it takes to be scary than you can place the Scary Monster badge onto yer sidebar. Think of it as another award you've collected fer bein true to yerself.

Me no got no problems with verbosity.

1+1 Make ONE!

2007-11-24T23:49:00.001+09:00

Yesterday, Me done goin to a wedding.

Me figgers that iffin Me were gonna be bored stiff, Me oughtta bring the Monster along fer a rare photo opportunity.

This is what happened....

Monster looks on as bride and groom make their entrance and sit at the dias of honor and celebration...

Speaches and toasts were made...

Lots 'o champagne drunk...

and plenty of food been eatin.

The table settings were perfect fer setting off me beautiful complexion.

There were a change of clothes and more speeches..

Me be a little confused by the John Travolta pose in the background...

Then came the candle service

Me wonders iffin they noticed thet me were right inna middle of it all.

Me got a little carried away and put on a party hat!

Everyone really wanted to meet the Monster.

Just like ants on a picnic, a wedding needs cake!

Me no fear our future.

People Care!

2007-11-23T10:04:00.000+09:00

These be just some of the folks that deliver messeges of love to me mailbox everyday. Me just had to answer all of them.

Scary Monster?

Sardescu (GOODNER) Avittaa - Believe me, she'll never ever feel unhappy with you, give her the 'ol Crista dugarcin.
Me Crista be on the blink. Me will try breakfast in bed.

Leslye Ramsdell Njilrepe - Make her worship your Sharky Hofer.
This could be Nigerian fer the deep water muff diving.

Mehrdad Sheridan uoknu - Ever felt like you don't measure up? Buy a ruler and ....
What? Shove it up someone's ass today? Good advice! Me gonna get right on it.

Elmeri manahan Riasitok - Well done! you’ve just found the best kept secret to enlarge your penis on the net!
Is there a secret to enlarging one's penile protrusion? Me must be a genius to have figgered it out when me were eleven.

shirley- hi from shirley - Hi, i am here sitting in the internet caffe. Found your email and decided to write. I am 25 with a desire to enlarge your cock.
Thanks but the coop needs to be renovated first.

Hamit Kernea nevjirwt - Penis enlargement is very important for a man who wants better sex life.
Hamit. Thanks fer the advice, but me gonna look fer a woman whose womb ain't streched out.

Mikkel Danek Emulsion - why not stand out from the crowd and enlarge your manhood?
Why not stand in the middle of a crowd and enlarge the old woodpecker.

Cecelia Peck Obese - ever since i added 3 inches, my cock attracts all the babes now
Thanks, but iffin me added 3 inches to me obesity, then me would only attract fat lesbians like you.

Maison friendub - in a perfect world we would all have big dicks but you dont!
So this is actual proof that the world ain't perfect??? Glad me could help.

Lauralee lucia Amadavat - A bigger cock will always be better!
Not iffin ya livin in Lilliput it ain't!!

Winfred burroughs - With a larger penis you penetrate more sensitive areas of the woman
Her ego, the armpit, the back of her neck, her earlobes? Me just wants enough muff.

Kristen Kellner Ttoosima - I always wanted a bigger penis, so did my wife, Traballa.
Hope ya both find what yer lookin fer!

Natalija DiLisi Keiteob - become the ultimate pleasure machine.
An offer to become a Ferrari, yeah!!!!!!!!!!

Maureen Taber Zsegnaseg - Many men want to improve their schlong size.
Many schlongs want to improve their man size.

Coliope Schulmeister Popudopulous - she said- htpissn huippute iaenista iaicsafs
Sorry it's all greek to me.

Duke neikov Effeppalsfa - are you un-satisfied with your penis size?
Nope, but Me be unsatisfied with me ejaculatory accuracy.

Quinton Lever Atsuskam - sup ? It is the size of ones penis which determines success.
Me wanker banker said the same thing the other day.

Hynek Ngai Hhoektand - hello again dinky dingle. she might give you another chance if you improve you penis size :)
Nice of you to provide a smiley face at the end of that sentence, you smarmy bastard. And nobody calls the Monster's manhood by it's first name!

Marcio Liggett Jaergssel - hello love every guy wants big dick and so do you.
Sorry. Me heard that line in san Francisco 10 years ago and it didn't work then.

Chuck Foticeohat - Hallo. If the candle has been blown out of your sex, you need some extra penis length.
What for? To balance me birthday cake on?

Deitric Rollings Serrefte - hey shes wants you tiger, but first you need to add some inches to your dick.
An Irish bull is always pregnant.

Kahlil Bottini - hello there! save your marriage quickly before she walks out the door, you need a bigger ...
Bank Account?

Burke jankowsk Fullassu - hello hello you can turn the switch on everytime with an enlarged cock
Me does just fine with me finger.

Kauko Heuser Outgang - save the money you spend on hoes and get all the girls with a big dick.
Look. Me said it were HO's and me were playin Santa!

Murilo Rheinfeld Shireen - hello friend you can still fit your cock in even after you have added 3 inches.
Me no goin in there. That be more scary than Scary Monster.

Hargav Hollyehiappari - hello monstor let your dick do all the talking, just make it bigger!
A Penis ventriloquist act. Me gonna take it out on the road.

Lineham Kerabtiy - Hallo if you fuck really bad it must be your cock size, take a look
It could also be because Me be a truly bad fuck.

Astrid Leduc- whatz craken rest assured that your dick will be bigger soon!
Waitin... Waitin.... Still fuckin waitin!

Adel Kovacevic - hello beautiful just because its small doesn't mean it has to stay that way
Yes it does.

NINA Llaherif - wots up, great news! you can really add 3 inches to your cock size.
Fabulous. Can ya add three zeroes to me bank statement?

This stuff came to ya almost unedited and unadulterated, but you already knowing that, huh.
Gonna go wash me claws now.

Mo no got no sensibilities left.

Are you there yet?

2007-11-22T23:44:00.000+09:00

Things at work are so diametrically opposed from four or five months ago that Me be feelin that Me ain't workin at the same place. The problems and pressures ain't changed but the way the people workin there face them be so different as to make me believe that me gone done and found a new and special environment in which to work.

The changes in staff is so complete that one cain't enter the establishment and feel like they are in the same place as they were a few short months ago. Me love the people that me meets everyday and the friends and folks they bring in with them are so pleasant that just being in their presence makes me feel very alive and eager to join in their community.

Can ya remember a part time job ya had while in high school or college? Do ya recall the fun ya had while workin and goofin and being a kid?

If ya haven't had this experience Me can say that me feels fer ya. There ain't no better way to live than to earn enough money to exist on without worrying about responsibilities.
Me be happy at work. It actually don' feel like work at all. Me feeling may change in the future, but right now me be more comfortable with me compatiots in the school than anywhere else in the world.

That's a feeling me be hoping ya gets when ya walk out into the world.
Mebbe me ain't there yet, but me certainly feels that me be stompin along the right path.

Me no stubbing me toes.

A Tiger in yer Tank.

2007-11-22T00:23:00.000+09:00

As me were leaving work today Me hand shot out and grabbed a handful of Snickers thet were sittin in a basket in the middle of the table in the staff room. One of the guys at work has been bringing in a variety of chocolates fer the last ten days or so and trying to get anyone and everyone in sight to eat them so he don' hafta.

Me hand shot out after punching the clock and a voice sang out behind me 'Is that your blogger juice for tonight?' Blogger juice. The phrase rang in me ears like quasimoto hanging on the pull rope in Notre Dame.
Blogger juice. 'No,' Me answered, 'me juice be a higher octane than chocolate.'
The folks me works with now all know about Me No blog, but they don't read it. Alla folks me be workin with find it too unlike me to equate me with the Scary monster.

Blogger Juice... What be yer juice? (and please no O.J. Simpson jokes here) What be giving you the get up and go, the vim and vigor, the impetus to sit at the keyboard and create yer works?

There be a lot of people out in nthe world spending time on their thoughts and stories and they be lookin fer some kind of recognition.

What be yer Blogger Juice?
Me no squeezin the Charmin.

Special thanks to Leelee fer the Thanksgiving present.
Me loved every damn minute of it!

The Quaterhouse Turn

2007-11-20T23:29:00.000+09:00

Settin in front of me computer at work today, me mind half on the work at hand while the remainder wandered out through the window and sailed along the river that flows and burbles five stories below.

Where be yer mind goin when ya lets it offa the leash?

Mine went to unfinished business. Me gone and left Cabo* unfinished or at the very least, in the middle of a tale. This got me thinkin about other things left undone. Promises unkept. Aspirations unachieved. Now and again Me wonders about the lies we tell ourselves that keep the truth from ever reaching the surface.
Every time Me be spending time with mesself, Me encounters the ghost of Christmas past perfect. It don't hafta be crucifixion time to receive visitors from woudda, couldda, shoudda, Boulevard.

Me reckons that iffin there be a point to this post, and there ought to be, it is this: iffin ya got ya hands full livin life than there be no lookin backwards into the malestrom of mistakes and misjudgements. Go on! Make yer stupid mistakes and laugh. Nobody gonna care or condemn. Set yerself free with the knowledge that we ain't ever done finished with the work that be set out fer us. Go on now, go on and STOMP!

Me no recidivist.

* Cabo is a frog. Lend yerself to a search and you'll be part of the adventure.

All this and stuffing too!

2007-11-19T16:47:00.000+09:00

All things considered this blog stuff is pretty cool. Me feels as if Me gone travelled around the world, but without the hassles of airport security and immigration, over priced hotels, unscrupulous cab drivers, gypsies and other flim-flammers who are there to cheat a traveller out of their gelt.

Yes, Me knows that when you do things virtually or vicariously you never get the full spectrum of sensation.
There probably ain't nuthin like feeling the colours of Chagall's windows wash over you or tasting the smoothness of the surf along the Pacific northwest. You not be smelling the smells and tasting the air of the Sistine Chapel nor do you hear the off beat lines of Gaudi's architecture.
No. Me didn't get any of them experiences, but there were plenty of adventures Me did get to take part in:
VE's amazing African safari,
Outdoorsy Girl's various camping trips,
the Mighty Dyckerson's vituperate vacation in Hollywood as well as so many others that Me just cain't put them all down here.

Time and time again Me hearing the call of the road and although Me gone done a bit of travllin here and there and back and forth to spots close and far, far away; Me ain't done enough or gone far enough the past year to hang up me boots and buy a rocking chair.

This week many of you have lugged home a gigantic Butterball turkey and a couple of dozen cans of cranberry sauce to celebrate the good stuff that you been gettin throughout the year. Since Me cain't fit one of them inside of me mini-oven, me just gonna thankee youse all here and now.

To all the folks that been here with me and have responded to the ramblings and babbling of this mixed up Monster Me thanks you. Every fan, every lurker and every dissident all. You have provided me with more than a year of incredible fun and Me got that to be thankful for.

All you folks STOMP.

Me no wastin time.

Brunch.

2007-11-18T11:50:00.000+09:00

Although me brain and the weather be blurry, there is a certain satisfaction in settin in a soft Sunday mornin fog.This be a bit of a surprise fer the Monster this morning. Me don't be having a hangover after the irresponsible amount of booze thet were imbibed last night.

How Me be passing me time gots to be one o' the main tickles bouncin around inna me noggin these days.
Me not be worried iffin the folks thet me bump into agrees with the way Me scratches me itch. Gettin it scratched be what feels good.
Damn iffin me ain't in the mood fer a ~~chuckle or two~~, make that a belly laugh. Tonight would be the perfect time to bring some friends over for a pow wow. It be good to get together with others and share stories.
We all be walkin with the same inevitable destination and we slough off little pieces of ourselves along the way like leaves that cover the sidewalks. There comes a time to gather one's stories and let them light up the night in a bonfire celebration.

Me no got no marshmallows.

You've been stomped.

2007-11-17T21:05:00.000+09:00

Mebbe ya havent noticed, but there be a variety of STOMPS rollin out
there in Bloggerville.

STOMP
STOMP!
StOmP!
sToMp!
Stomp
Stomp.
Stomp!
stomp
Be stompy.
Stay stompy.
STOMPS
Keep on stompin.
!PMOTS (A most rare and exclusive marking.)

There be others as well. Which one have you gotten and what do ya think be the difference between footprints...

Me no got many of these left.

A twirley second hand.

2007-11-17T00:57:00.000+09:00

There be a tiny moment, the tiniest of moments when the present becomes the past.
One moment yer coming and then you've gone.

Can ya tell me where ya coming from or where ya going?
How did ya get here?

The Vixen got her hair styled today.
It took four hours! four hours that just happen to have made me one very happy Scary Monster.
There be some things that take make time stand still. This be one of them.
She looks so damn beautiful that Me gonna sign off and leave you all with a happy thought:

Love is fire. It can warm you on a cold morning or set the world aflame. If you wake up one day and yer life is in ashes just be thankful that you've lived through the passion.

STOMP.

Me no wearing asbestos.

Meeting Deadlines

2007-11-16T23:32:00.000+09:00

Friday fer me. Fer some o' you too. Thet be meaning that there ain't gonna be much action on me page unless me go and post sumpin cuntriversal. After yesterday's epistomological ejaculation into the crevasse of non-consentual curlicue contempt, Me figgers it be time to wimp out and dole out a flash fiction fifty five...

Monster; being what he be, don't ever do what he been told to do or what be expected of him. Me be givin ya a Wrigley's double dose of Friday foolishness. 110. Thet number also be japan's equivalent of 911. So iffin ya be in trouble or need a Monster to motivate ya just...

STOMP!

Head and Tail.

2007-11-15T09:22:00.000+09:00

Flip a coin and figger out which ya prefer: Sunrise or Sunset.
Fireflies may flash in the afternoon, but they only look good at night.
Neon signs look best after an evening downpour.
Those who cain't do, starve.
Iffin you were starvin, would ya really give a rats ass about the whales?
Time waits fer no man (or woman). Who does Tom Waits for?
When ya tiptoe through the tulips do ya end up in a navel orange.
Remember Pet Rocks? No? How about Earth Shoes?
The rabbit's foot weren't lucky fer the rabbit.
To fart or not to fart. Could be the question of the most importance at any time- Even if yer alone.
It's not the size of the boat... LMAO! The ocean be fuckin huge fer any boat.
Fig Newtons vs. Oreos?
New England vs. Manhattan clam chowder?
Ali vs. Tyson?
The Pink Panther were actually a diamond, ya know.
Batman has no super powers. That be why me likes him the most.
Meatloaf or cold spaghetti.
The box of 64 crayola Crayons with the built in sharpener.
Sleep in or be productive.
Does anybody else think that Stanley Kubrick be a frickin Genius?
Pistachio ice cream and Aquafresh tooth paste make for an awful combo.
Butterscotch or Hot fudge?
How much head on a glass of beer?

Me no finished cleaning house.

...not like, are Dogs

2007-11-15T08:42:00.000+09:00

Senor Sanchez aka: Dirty, came riding into town on a pink moped. Got drunk on Shirley Temples and drops a cold lunch after eating a New York Taco. Left Fire Island on a flying camel.

Not a moment goes by during the day when Mr. Distraction taps me on the shoulder and wants to have a word with me. After all the Vixen got more corn than Orville Redenbacher.
Life, even when me be feelsing about as excited as a giraffe masticating leaves, has a tendancy to draw me thoughts torwards the altar of the goddess Yoni Yum Yum.
There be so many places me cain't go cuz the Monster just gets really Scary. Donut shops- watchin a gal munchin on a bear claw or workin a cruller just about messes me up fer the morning. Ball games (aptly named): a foot long with plenty of mustard? Who cares what the score is! Me just prays it ain't a Chicago chilli dog.

Having sex can be lotsa things, but iffin it ain't makin ya feel like the world is crashing around you and don't make everything else seem small and ridiculous than yer just sport fuckin. Now that ain't so bad. In fact it's a helluva lot better than Couch Bombing or a Western grip with a Stranger.

Go out and get nasty.
Get plastered and have yerself a ball. Just don't ferget the Coney Island White fish and watch out fer the Hindenberg.

Iffin this post don't make sense to ya then yer safe and sound. Stay at home and enjoy yer favorite chips with Juanita's special bean dip.

Me no Moses gettin biblical.

Hit the reset button.

2007-11-14T23:13:00.001+09:00

There were no real purpose to this place other than try to get me thoughts straightened out and possibly relate to some new people that Me never would have met iffin it weren't fer the Blogger.

This now be a time when me be thinkin of the next escapade and the ideas abound. Here within the guts of a computer connected to others by a tenuous pulse of electricity; Me has created a second life. Me gone and done Frankensteined a new persona fer meself that were mebbe just a little more interesting looking than the goofy facade that Me presents to the world.

Now as the winter be approaching it looks as if the hibernation be upon me. Not all that easy is it to make with the writin- talk and not only keep ya innerested, but gettin ya to unnerstand and respond to me wanderin thoughts as well.

Been more'n a year now and me kinda dreading the relinquishing o' something that me gone done worked so hard for, but every adventure has it's beginning and it's segue into the next story. Those of you who been with me fer most of this ride have put up with a lot of inanity and fer that you deserve a beer or quite possibly a a double dose of Prozac. Truth be told Me don't know what Prozac do fer people and don't really want to know. It be a damn funny sounding name so me tosses it around.

The countdown begins and me gots to get started on somethin new. Iffin ya be one of them net detectives that flourish and creep and ya happen to recognize the Monster reborn, Me would appreciate it iffin ya let it slide. After all it could be Punny Yumpkin. We all work at the same school and create a wackiness thet caint be found anywhere else.

Me no pillar of salt.

Two thumbs up!

2007-11-13T08:56:00.000+09:00

Today were a fairly uneventful day.

Aside from the usual silliness that occurs at the school these days nothing exceptional happened. Nothing except that once again Me been reminded thet Me were doin the job that be fittin me like a glove.
Recently Me been focusing more on training teachers than students and there be a tremendous amount of satisfaction in seeing people take me advice and become better at what they do.

Creation is the fountain of youth.
Taking ideas and bringing them to life.
It be like puttin milk on yer rice crispies and hearing the Snap, Crackle & Pop.

Does any other cereal come to life like that?
Oatmeal sure don't and granola is way to sedate and well disciplined to create a ruckus in the bowl.

What about other foods?
What about people?Me be knowing some people that remind me of Beef Jerky. Some remind me of pudding. Wouldn't it be cool to have a friend who smells like yer favorite dessert? Think of all the calories you could save by just having them around.

Me been hungry fer a long, long time.

Me no got nuthin but the water of life.

Couldn't Stand the Weather

2007-11-12T17:05:00.000+09:00

Nope. this ain't gonna be a tribute to the late great Stevie Ray Vaughn; although it wouldn't be so bad iffin it were.
It be raining today in Lilliput.
Me wanted to go out and enjoy the day by hiking through the woods near me home, but the weather put a damper on me plans.

The local natives say that when it comes to outings there are two types of people: rain folk and sun folk.
Me be a rain man. Iffin there are plans to do something and me be involved, you can bet the farm that storm clouds will follow us around all day.
The Vixen, on the other hand, be a sun bringer. She makes plans fer things and it turns out to be the finest weather imaginable.
Now that winter be approaching me be wondering who should organize our snowboarding trips.
Do ya want sunny skies or snowfall on a trip to a ski resort?

It might seem strange to be talkin about winter sports while the leaves are still clinging to life on the trees, but big vacations take a bit of planning and Me want to go to what me thinks is the best, places in Japan. KIRORO. Me been there before and gots great memories of the place.

When winter tries to keep you shut in yer homes, what do you like to do to escape.

Me no knowing which way the wind blows.

Who killed the radio star?

2007-11-10T23:34:00.000+09:00

Today Me said good bye to a very old and very dear friend.
After a very long and difficult battle he finally succumbed to the inevitable fate that awaits us all.
Me be thinking that seeing the deterioration of he health has been what be making me kinda blue these days.

Me will find it very difficult to live without you.
Me be remembering all the hours during both day and late into the night that we spent together.
Your friendship lasted longer than me first marriage, supported me through divorce and have been a great friend to the Vixen; never showing the slightest jealousy when the hours she and Me spent together grew and our time together lessened.

Now that you be gone; me looks around the room and be reminded of yer absence.
Having you around made me the envy of many of me friends, giving them a reason to come by for a visit and spend a few hours together drinking beer and stuffing our faces.

Last week Me slapped you around quite a bit when anger and frustration from your actions overwhelmed me and made me lose me cool. Me be sorry for that.

Me will miss you and cherish the memories of time spent with you.
You been the best television me has ever had.
Thanks!

Me no watchin the boob tube.

Do you really want another post?

2007-11-09T01:22:00.000+09:00

Darling you gotta let me know...

Now that me got that outta me system. Had one of them ear thingys that kanrei often talks about.
Strange phrases that Me has actually said to people:

Me be gaijin of course Me cain't see me eyebrows. Me gots occipital lobes.

Look, Me be sorry fer all the things that aren't going well in yer life, but me has a too much of me own shit to worry about right now.

Iffin ya could go back in time you still wouldn't make a difference. Just because you know how to load a DVD don't mean you know anything about them.

Yeah, fuck me knows it's ugly, but it's been with me fer such a long time that Me has actually grown fond of him.

Me didn't come here to listen to yer jokes; just pull me a beer, OK?

How come most people can remember the most amazing facts, yet forget that they done gone and told you the same damn story three times this week?

Feel free to add some of yer own...

STOMP.

Me no drink outta styrofoam cups.

One Minute Seventeen Seconds of Self Imposed Meme.

2007-11-08T22:43:00.000+09:00

Sometimes Me have to make me own excitement.

Me don't care iffin you live in a mega-city or teeny-tiny town, adventure is right around the corner.
The admission costs but little. Youse have to let go and let the world come to you.
Do something different than yer every day routine.
Iffin ya stop worrying about what people be thinkin of ya; then you be bound to have some fun.
Try doing things that can make you look a little foolish or at the very least, more like someone without a stick up their ass.

Here be a list of some of the things I been done to jazz things up.

Sang a song (off key) at the top of me lungs during a quiet moment in a bar.

Took me video camera out with a friend and interviewed people on the street. Man, Me wish Me could find some of dem old tapes.

Raced shopping carts around a supermarket. This one pisses folks off, but it be great fun if you gots enough people.

Climbed a tree and invited everyone Me saw to join me up in the branches. Tell them that there is something really cool off in the distance that you want them to see.

Printed up some fake business cards with the logos of really cool companies and assumed a different persona for a night. Not that Me don't do that onna daily basis.

Went someplace where Me not be known and pretended Me couldn't talk. Me didn't lie, Me just wrote everything down on a pad and people thought Me were mute.This be great for picking up girls.
Me like to wear me shirts inside out and mix the colors of my socks.

Crash parties. Tougher now that me be a little green Monster inna yellow world.

Me love to ask inane questions of people when riding in elevators. This is a good un 'cause most people just stare at the floor indicator.

Go into shops and ask fer things they don't have. Like ordering a pizza at Mickey D's. You have to be really bored for this one.

Me be livin in Japan and everyone around assumes Me speakee English, so Sometimes when someone starts to talk to me in English, Me start speaking fake French or Russian or Italian.

Me guess iffin Me thought about it long enough Me could remember more stuff, ButMe getting the itch to get out of Me house for a while and have some fun. Mebbe Me can think of something new.

Me no needin Disneyland.

Twaddle, Blech & Phffftt!

2007-11-07T08:47:00.000+09:00

The way Me mind be workin today the peas bouncing around inna me brain might just be agitated enough to produce a rather long diatribe, so iffin ya be unable to concentrate fer mor'n a minute or iffin ya cain't see yerself settin still fer a short while than ya might just want to take off before me truly gets started here. It's all good; yer visit has been recorded by the Lurkometer and me got yer hit on the counter so you be released from any further responsibilities.

Me gets a gazillion books from people who be returning to they homeland and don' wanna lug them across the ocean. Most o' the time the unread ones be packed in boxes and neatly stacked next to me already overflowing bookcase.

Last weekend Me were in desperate need for something, anything to read so me opens up the topmost box, reach in and pull out a couple of paperbacks. One of the books were a self help type of thang that were entitled 'Don't Sweat The Small Stuff With Your Family.'

Me has never read a more ridiculous piece of garbage in me life!
The fool that wrote this tripe had absolutely no fuckin clue as to what makes humans tick. Neither does the Monster, but me won't be givin out any advice on how ya oughtta be livin yer life. By the way, Mr. Hallmark Moment, author of over 30 motivational books stressing love, gratitude and kindness above all other values, collapsed and dropped dead from a heart attack on a flight from San Francisco to New York last year. Me be wondering what kind of stress gives a peaceful, loving man who be happy and preaching love a massive pulmonary coronary.

On the surface, many of the things he wrote look quite fine and he words are soothing, but in reality the only truth he put down on paper were that you were the only thing you could control in yer life. That only be true iffin ya be lucky.
Here be something from smiling Richard Carlson's website:

Having the Option to Act On Our Thoughts

Most of us assume that if something comes to mind, it does so for a reason; it must be representative of reality, worthy of our attention, and dealt with. If we understand the principle of thought, however, we know that this is a mental error. If something comes to mind, recognize it for what it is -- a passing thought. This doesn't mean that we can't or shouldn't consider or act on the thought, but it does provide the option. Thousands of thoughts pass through our minds each day; as the principle of thought goes, none is more important than the next, each of them is just a thought. Once we understand the principle, what we think about will no longer have the power to completely determine the quality of our lives. Instead, we can choose to stay in the nicer feeling state that comes from a softer focus of thought.

Me be one Scary Monster that believes that the thoughts we have are all worthy of attention. Good or bad, tough or tender, sinister or silly. All of them are worthy of consideration. None of the ideas and rationals that be passing continuously through our minds are equal. How could they be?

Lovin one another is a fabulous ideal. It's possible that it be the highest level of consciousness we could attain, yet there be a distinct amount of reality that tells us that not every living creature is going to be able to live in a copacetic alliance.

Rest in peace Richard Carlson. You did what you thought were right and me respects that, even inn me don't agree with ya. Mebbe someday me gonna change me mind.

Be it love or or bullshit that make the world go round?

Me no knowing the difference.

Storyteller.

2007-11-06T00:41:00.000+09:00

There be a guy who is me friend, but he ain't never heard of me.
He talks to the Monster and tells me stories of places me ain't never been to; yet when he speaks me feels as if Me be standin by he side and feelin what he done felt when he adventures took place. You can let he be yer buddy too. He once left me with a thought that Me hopes me done memorized correctly. It goes like this:

"Uh-huh"+"Oh-wow"+ ""Uh-oh"+ "Oh-God"
= "Ah-hah!"

A real honest to God STOMPER!

Me no finished workin out the kinks.

Coming out of one dream into another.

2007-11-05T21:50:00.000+09:00

Mondays.
Me Mondays are possibly the best day of the week fer me. Me no work. Me do whatever comes to mind and there be no crowds of people to deal with. That means no waiting on long lines be jostled or pushed or frustrated about time.

Me do like Mondays.

Me spent the day doing all the things that a Monster needs to do and me didn't waste time nor worry about how long it took to get though the day.

Me woke up.
Me make coffee. While coffee going drip, drip, drip into pot, me go down to store to buy cigarettes and cake. The smokes are fer me, the cake be fer the Vixen.

Me light up computer and first smoke of the day, get coffee and work the blog fer a time.

Me gone sit on the veranda fer a while with second cup of coffee and second cigarette and watch the wind move the branches of a truly magnificent tree that lives out back of me dwelling. Me admires the fantastic gold and brown of Autumn transformation upon the multitude of huge, broad, fan shaped leaves and anticipates the seeing of it without any decoration in the next month or so.

Me goes back inside and has another cup o' coffee to take the chill outta me bones.

Me brush teeth.
Me decorates the coffee table with various items of beauty and place the Vixens cake in the middle of it all.

Me returns to the bedroom where me woman be enjoying a sleep in and start to wake her up with delicate kiss after kiss. Small ones. Ticklish ones. Eskimo ones. Nibbling ones.

After what seems like an eternity wrapped in the warmth of her love she receives me and we spend the morning expressing our love fer each other. (There be a twinge in the back of me brain that tells me she would have appreciated another half hours sleep, but she doesn't say anything)

We shower.
We laugh.
We have breakfast.
Vixen tells me to make some eggs cuz it's too early fer cake.
She plays with the maple leaves me has placed around the table and enjoys the aroma of her first cup of coffee.

Eggs than cake.
Smokes then smoochin.
A blanket wrapped around a Monster and the Vixen.
Not a bad way to start the day.

Me no want today to end.

Got Gatt?

2007-11-04T21:55:00.000+09:00

The weekend was just that. A space of time between Friday and Monday that me wouldn't have called glorious, but it weren't noisome either. Me sat at me desk early Friday morning and went through the motions of a Monster with a purpose, putting up a pot of coffee, opening up the mail and throwing out anything that weren't useful to me which turned out to be just about everything in the pile.

Truth be told, the Monster be having no purpose today. There were nobody knocking on me door asking me questions that me couldn't answer and it were looking as if Me would be spending me day watching the dust settle on the windowsill. It were time fer me to get out into the sunlight and see iffin mother nature be playin tricks on the local weatherman.

The sound me car made when me turned the key in the ignition were reminding me of the way an old woman with emphysema and still smoked two packs of cigarettes talked, rusted and raspy. Me silently told mesself that me were gonna have to get someone to look under the hood sooner than later or Me would be wearin out a lot of shoe leather.

A long drive can be either refreshing iffin ya decide to push the gas hard enough to get the blood moving as you handle mountain hairpin turns or it can be a timeless experience where ya consider everything in ya life reflectin upon the past.

Me be spending me time looking at the roads that brought me to where me be now. There be a lot of intersections and plenty of wrong turns but fer the most part it's been a pretty fun ride even with all the bumps flat, tyres and red lights that can often make the best of trips into a nightmare painted by H.R.Giger.

Me sittin here now and me just finished a long well packed high grade cigarette and a bottle of perfectly chilled beer. There are few pleasures in life that can make a person feel as good as when yer enjoying the vices that you've chosen fer yerself. Raymond Chandler once told me that 'Alcohol is like love', he said. 'The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine.' After that you get to take the girl's clothes off.' He also warned me about hangovers.

Me be kinda wonderin iffin it the rickety wagon me ridin on is worth the trouble it takes to keep it runnin. There's a million ways to make a mistake and each one adds a little more character to us as we figger out ways to avoid the bumps that we spy in the road ahead of us.

Me no outta gas.

Oops!

2007-11-01T16:53:00.000+09:00

The gift of giving.

2007-10-31T21:53:00.000+09:00

Buying gifts for people, especially ones close to you is an unbearably distressing experience fer me.
The amount of deliberation that goes into making the right choice be frustrating and monumentally confounding. First there is the occasion: are we talking about a promotion or an anniversary? Then one has to consider the intimacy between the giver and the receiver of the gift. A close friend gets something a little nicer than the guy who sits in the cubicle next to yours at work.

Today, the Monster spent three and a half hours driving to five different stores looking for a gift for the Vixen. As each attempt to find her the perfect gift failed; the amount of anxiety grew in exponential proportion to the number of retail establishments Me were visiting.
Me had to reflect on all the gifts me had ever given her in the past so as not to bore her with yet another bottle of perfume, necklace, handbag or sweater.
"God, why do me want to do this to meself?" Me were getting close to pounding me head on the steering wheel of me car in utter consternation.

It was at this point when me understood just how important the girl was to me. Even iffin me ain't the happiest of creatures, Me believes that when you can truly see the importance that another person plays in yer life, than ya can go to amazing lengths to make sure that they know what you think of them.

Woman, or more precisely put, perhaps, marriage, is the representative of life with which you are meant to come to terms.

Franz Kafka

Me no lost hope yet.

Cheers!

2007-10-30T23:57:00.000+09:00

When Me goes on a walkabout, there are victims: the Vixen, who has to try to comprehend the workings of Scary's intent, Co- workers, who have to pick up the slack created by me absence and the folks thet happen to meet me along the way when me sets out upon the road.

Me gonna tell you about how to pay for a night's room and board without reaching into your back pocket and forking over a wad of bills or a credit card number. This were easier years ago when me first started travelling, but now has become more difficult as people become more and more distrustful of travelers.

If you can cook one really decent meal, you will be welcome in almost any one's home. All you have to do is sit yourself down in a bar and listen to the people who walk into the place. The first thing of importance is to follow the proper etiquette. Ya just can't walk up to a person and ask Them to let you spend the night. Ya gotta become an instant friend. Ya gotta be able to talk with a person. Find out what they be interested in and get them to talk about it.

That's how Me met Hajime Ippo.
Hajime be a trucker who spends he days running various goods throughout he town.
Me ran into Hajime early one evening when he walked into a bar that me were drinking at in a place that be far from me home. He sat down in the only unoccupied seat in the place, which just happened to be next to me. At first he didn't realize that the guy sitting next to him were a gaijin. He ordered a beer and a plate of fried octopus. It were at that point that me ordered another beer fer meself when he noticed that the Monster were sittin next to him. The look on his face were almost comical. We struck up a conversation and once we got past the 15 stupid things Japanese ask foreigners, the discourse got interesting. Well, not interesting, typical. We talked work, sports, women and of course food while buying each other another round of beers.

Most Japanese people can eat things that would make a billy goat puke, but they have a desire to internationalise though cuisine. I mentioned that when me lived in N.Y. I worked in restaurant kitchens and was able to make food that he could never get in any dive in his town. I started to describe savory stews, spicy burritos and Italian sauces that had him forgetting the last nugget of octopus on his plate.

It was at that point when his cell phone started to ring. After a few moments of lightning fast dialect which Me didn't have to pretend not to understand and some bowing to the person on the other end of the line he hung up, called for the counter man, asked for his check and paid his bill.
He told me that it were he wife on the phone and he had to get back home. "Nice meetin' ya. Hope to talk to you again sometime." Then he got up and left.

Me ordered another beer for meself and a plate of some of them octopus nuggets and thought to meself. "Mebbe next time."

STOMPED.

Me no always hittin homeruns.

What be you lookin fer?

2007-10-29T22:31:00.000+09:00

Travellin be something that every human being should be required to do.
Ya just cain't learn anything without gettin offa yer butt and venturing out into the world.

Me can safely say that any movie, novel or story that includes a realistic or poignant travel scene must be worth experience. Who among you can say that ya didn't want to be in the same car as Otter, Boon, Flounder, and Pinto to pick up some gals and see Otis Day and the Nights?

OKey, so now you've had a laugh and a travel back in Hollywood history, Me wansta talk about gettin from place to place.
When the Monster goes out into the world he figgers he gots two choices about the people he gonna talk to and relate with. The first group be locals who have grown up and lived in the area of their birth for alla their lives.
They know alla people and all the stories and can tell you things about the land you are travelling through that no one else can tell you. The other group of people are the ones that have adopted the city or town as their own and display an outsider's accent to the goings on in their neighborhood.
Me tends to favor the folks who haved moved from their home town to their present place of living for obvious reasons, yet no trip is complete without sittin on both sides of the tracks.

Who do you want to meet when you hit the bricks?

Me no ramblin' man.

Monster's Mash

2007-10-28T21:55:00.000+09:00

Although it may not be the Halloweenie time fer youse, it definitly be fer me and today me wants to try and do something that might make this place a little more fun for both you folks and for me as well.

Me be going to try and tie some bloggers together for some future colaboration. Me is workin with some amazing folks. You've met one and some of you be knowing another. There be a new guy at the office who gone and brought a whole lot of sunshine into me world. He be kinda new to the land of Lilliput, but he sure can make things look like a party from the moment Me walks into work until the time when me clocks out at night.

-Ron & Juni-
Me knows that thes are not good snapshots, but the people in them are really cool.
Click on their pics to visit them and let them know that Scary sent ya.

The boss be extremely happy to have a new person to work with and our work place has turned from one of somber desperation into a high energy operation of new ideas and comeraderie.

Time to open the windows and let some air into me brain.

Me No Island.

Long time no STOMP.

2007-10-27T18:49:00.000+09:00

Well, here me be, back from me wanderings and spirit revitalizing stroll amongst the children of the land. Me kowtows fer the inconvenience that me disappearance might have caused, but me sees that Me No Blog were left in good hands. (except fer the extensive damage to me liquor cabinet.) Me dear droogies, as much as me wants to delight you with me ribald tales of travel, it must wait for the morrow. Me gots to put me Halloween costume in order and get some much needed shut eye.
50 golden Monster points for anyone who can guess what silly get up me will be dressing meself as.

Note: These points will be needed to collect a special prize to be announced at a later date in the near future.

The Scary one is back!

Me no done do a disappearing act.

2007-10-26T23:01:00.000+09:00

I believe that I am becoming quite comfortable in scary's abode. His computer is a piece of crap, but the television and cable tv more than make up for it as does the CD collection. The cat no longer distrusts me and we sit together watching movies until it's time for me to go home. I kind of feel as if I am at a party and snooping through the host's medicine cabinet.

There is good news for all the fans of Me No Blog. By the way, did you know that the title of this place has two meanings? One in Japanese and the other in monster talk. Oh, yes, the good news. Scary is returning home tomorrow and I will have fufilled my obligations. I can't say that it wasn't fun, but doing this every evening after work has left me somewhat weary. I suspect that Mr. Monster prepares an entire weeks worth of posts at one go and slowly doles them out to you.

Thank you all for sharing your time with me.

Good bye,
Punny Yumpkin.

This should happen to everyone.

2007-10-25T22:55:00.000+09:00

I am getting started on this fairly late in the evening. Had a dinner date tonight and it turned into one of those things where you kind of lose your head. Let's start at the beginning; which is a very good place to start if you are going to tell a story.
I met up with my date; whom I shall refer to as the Vixen so as to try to make things more "monsterish" around here. We decided to go to a hamburger restaurant because of the lively, youthful atmosphere and reasonable prices. This was not our first time out and I didn't need to put on airs to impress the Vixen. My snaggle-toothed smile, untameable hair style and slightly irreverent sense of humour would be more than enough to keep her entertained.
The place we decided to go to is called Bikkuri Donkey and I have often wondered about what kind of meat they use for their burgers. Well, there we were, enjoying the usual things that people enjoy over dinner: engaging conversation laced with sly glances and double entendres over mugs of ice cold beer and penetrating observations about each other's obvious intelligence whilst showing each other our membership cards to the mutual appreciation society.
It was during one of those moments of unbearable silences when I noticed that in the background James Taylor's 'You've got a friend' was playing and I sang a along with the chorus and commented that I was probably the only person in the place who knew the song as well as the artist. Then Came 'Mind Games' by john Lennon and I felt compelled to sing the entire song to her. Commenting that this was the music of my youth and that It felt so fantastic to actually sit over dinner in a place where I could not only recognize the tunes, but identify with them as well.
Then I went into stupid mode when I recognized that BTO's 'You ain't seen nuthin yet' was playing. I just felt the words bursting out of me and I felt compelled to sing them to her. The only problem was that I got so damned excited by all of this nostalgic harmony floating around me that I sang the song at full volume causing the guests at the neighboring tables to pause in their culinary foraging and stare at the slightly insane white guy serenading his date.
The Vixen just burst out in peals of golden laughter as I continued to not only sing, but play the drums with my chopsticks. I have to tell you that I am not the type of person who normally behaves like this. I don't get into bar fights and I labour to keep my life as simple as possible. Seeing the smile on her face and feeling the way she held on to me as I walked her home has made me think that sometimes it can be good to let the music carry you away.

Have a nice night,
Punny Yumpkin.

Ferré, Jacques

2007-10-24T00:02:00.000+09:00

Scary Monster. Scary Monster.
Folks are blue. Folks are blue
Time to come back home now, time to come back home now!
Where are you? Where are you?

Where is Danny Kaye?

2007-10-23T22:49:00.000+09:00

I'm starting to think that I might be over my head with this blog thing. There are a lot more people coming here and than I expected and each and every one of you have such different thoughts. It will take an herculean effort to not only write this thing, but also respond to your comments and visit your pages. I take my hat off to you who can do this day after day.
Sitting here with a glass of Talisker, a surprising find in the house of a man who drinks wine from a box. Do you know what I mean? The wine is packaged in plastic bags with a spigot attached and it looks like a colostomy bag. Not very enticing, which is why I ferreted around and found the bottle of aqua vitae.

It is quite possible that many of you already know of James Thurber and his most famous of stories The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. If you are unfamiliar than a quick Google search will enlighten you. My initial impression of this Blog business is very similar to the way that Mr. Mitty would drift in and out of reality on a whim. His fantasies fueled by whatever circumstances he happened to encounter.

Being here can be likened to the fantastical vagaries that only occur in Hollywood. This place is like a Robert Altman film, so many characters all interacting on many levels and often not realizing what others are doing. The theatrical irony is stupefying and all together enjoyable if only for a short time.

STOMP,
Punny Yumpkin.

Hello, I guess.

2007-10-22T17:26:00.000+09:00

They idiot that you all know as scary monster is away doing god knows what and has left me with a whole lot of rubbish to take care of. I have to cover his classes, feed his cat and maintain this blog.

I can't believe that I got conned into doing this. Actually, I lost a bet and I am pretty sure he cheated. Warning to you: don't play cards with him.

I have been left with a set of guidelines too make sure that I don't do anything to mess up his precious web log.
1. I can discuss anything that interests me, but I am not supposed to use the nominative case. Oh, well, there goes rule No.1
2. I am not allowed to post any pictures or reveal either his name or mine to anyone. Not even to our co-workers. Well, if anyone were to make a monetary offer, I am fairly certain that I could do away with rule No. 2 as well.
3. I have to visit every one one the drop down list, read their post and comment. Every comment must end with "STOMP". I'm telling you now that you Americans are all just a bit daft. What is this stomp business.
4. I have been given this ridiculous toy as an identity albeit it is nicer than the ugly little plastic thing he keeps on top of his computer at work.

There you have it in a nutshell.
Now to do this job properly I have actually gone through many of the posts that have appeared on this site and I find it rather startling that the person who wrote all of this is the same person I work with. Although I found the stories about Cabo the frog enjoyable it would be impossible for me to descend into the same depths of vapidity and mangle my mother tongue in the same manner.
I shall return tomorrow and begin this tedious and farcical task in earnest. I beg your indulgence and require your kindness.

STOMP,

Punny Yumpkin.

Monster Cleans House

2007-10-21T19:42:00.000+09:00

When Me gets flustered and wrapped up in me own world of problems Me has a few ways o' distracting meself and taking me brain off the hook fer a while. One of these ways be house cleaning. Me knows that this don' be very macho, but me likes a clean nest fer living in.

Tidying up were fun until it came time to take out the trash. Japan has fairly strict recycling laws and they vary from city to city. Me town isn't so bad. Ya gotta take the labels offa cans and you can't throw bottle caps away with plastic bottles. You be supposed to take off the little safety rings that are left on the necks after you have opened them as well, but me don't actually do it. All this means that we have to have four different garbage cans. One each fer cans, glass, plastic and foodstuffs.
Today me were taking out the plastic bottles and me noticed that me been engaging in another little pastime to take me mind offa me problems: drinking.
This be about one month's alcohol consumption fer the Scary one. The big red bottles are about a half gallon of something called Shochu, a Japanese white liquor.
The Vixen thinks that Me drinks a little too much, but then again she can go through quite a lot of booze herself.

Me tends to be voracious in all me vices: Reading, working, drinking, smoking, etc.

What be yer vices and how far do ya takes 'em?

Me no twelve stepper.

Me, Same as You.

2007-10-20T22:18:00.000+09:00

There were a point when Me thought me could answer or contribute to any question at hand, but now, after months and more of constant thought, Me startin to see me limits,

Me Me Me be ta ta tapping away.
Tryin to make sense out of the bull shit of me days.

The brain don't work, cuz' it's been way overused.
Thinkin about stuff that just makes me more confused.

Me not no good to no one, now that Me startin not to care,
if Me ever gets it straight between the stars and moon and air.

Me gave it all me best and me just can't find a solution
to deal with one that you feel love for, yet produces disillusion.

Me once surrendered promise. Did Me lie to all the world?
For action is behind all love, not a noun, it is a verb.

Me just cain't do it. Me don' have the facilities to comprehend the complexities of loving, liking and living together. Because of this Me be in a real mental mess.

Me no feel like me want to feel.

Drums on the Mohawk

2007-10-19T22:25:00.000+09:00

The second hand shops in Japan be called recycle shops.
At first the nonclementure might seem a little strange, but if you let it ruminate in yer head it starts to feel right. Like many people, Me loves to walk around perusing the objects looking for anything Me might find useful or just to browse and imagine the life the various things lead before they were displaced and put in internment camps.
Last week in a shop ingeniously named "Re-Sale", Me spotted a roll of stickers on a shelf with some wooden spatulas and an assortment of disposable lighters that had little cartoon characters dangling from them. It were the lighters that originally caught me eye, but it were the stickers that Me bought.

The colorful labels all had an impressive design in blue and yellow and simply stated: "防水" Me hopes yer computers can read this, but it don't really matter cuz it means waterproof or water resistant. Now why would anyone want a roll of stickers that said waterproof? Me don't know and me can't explain the impulse fer buying them, but me did; and Me carried them around in me backpack fer a couple of days not really thinking about them until today when me went into a supermarket to buy meself a late lunch.

Me don't how this happened, but as me were walkin down an aisle containing laundry detergent a little devil shaped light bulb went off above me head. Me reached into me bag and found the stickers at the bottom, unwrapped them and peeled one offa the strip. Trying to act as casually as Me could, me applied the seal to a box of laundry detergent.

Waterproof soap.
Me stood back and looked at me handiwork. Me were on to something here. Me found a pack of sponges and surreptitiously pasted another one of me stickers on the package. It looked great! Me started traipsing around looking fer targets: Pampers, Shampoo, Kitty litter. The idea started to really catch on, instant coffee, tampons, contact lens solution, spaghetti, white bread. Me started to paste these things every where me thought they would create the most confusion. Tissues, toilet paper and toothpaste all got a sticker.
Then Me thought that a walk over to the Meat section to see iffin me couldn't find a couple of steaks and pork chops that could use me wacky protectiveness. Alas the area were too busy and Me didn't have the balls to start placing me stickers on various packages of bologna.

Now Me be wondering iffin Me might have missed anything. Me still gots lots o' stickers left and they be burnin a hole in me pocket.

Can ya think of any other good places, besides the Vixens private parts, where a waterproof seal would do the most good?

This were a stompin good day!

Me no wet behind the ears.

To Hell with Wally!

2007-10-18T22:36:00.000+09:00

Halloween be edging it's way closer and me gots to get the Monster house in shape fer the festivities.
Next week me will have a guest blogger here to take over fer a while, but never fear, Me No Blog will still produce the famously, fabulous farcical posts thet ya become to be expecrorating.
In the mean time iffin ya got a couple of hours to waste Me would like to present, fer yer office hour times a wastin project; the monster's version of :

Where's Scary?

Ya might wanna click on the image or get yer neighbor seeking spyglasses out of the closet!

Me no be a party animal.

Me got Mail

2007-10-17T23:11:00.000+09:00

Haven't had a letter in me mailbox fer three days and this be what me runs into this morning.

Hello, I came across your blog http://scaredmonster.blogspot.com/ - very nice and interesting. It was a pleasure to browse your blog. You have very expressive and interesting writings on your blog, and I wish you all the best in your further blogging.

I am Chris Williams, from EdenFantasys.com company, may I hope that you've already heard about it. Our store is selling adult toys and gifts, DVDs, erotic books, and lingerie; we also have special categories for gay and lesbian community and an educational section, containing useful info on sexuality, intimate life, dating, relationships, and homosexuality. We even have a whole site dedicated to educational and funny sexy material at Exalte.com.

We would like to establish a relationship with your site for better serve our and your visitors. This can contain simple link exchange, and I hope our customers will appreciate if we can give them a note about such quality resource. We will also appreciate a link from your blog to our site. If you need our info:

URL: http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-reviews/
Title: Sex toy Reviews

We also have a lot of other ways of partnerships, that you can find on our site.

Please mail us your decision, or any other ideas, as we are definitely open to any good ideas-such as promo actions, events, interviews and so on.

Best regards,

Chris Williams
EdenFantasys Team
1095 Cranbury South River Road, STE 4
Jamesburg, NJ 08831
Phone: (609)860-5200
Fax: (609)860-5999

Just wanted to share the wealth of opprtunity that Mr. Chris be offering me and hoping it works fer you.

Me no got no business sense.

Field of Dreams.

2007-10-16T09:41:00.000+09:00

This month, The ever fluttering Nessa over at Wings Unfolding be displaying photos related to a harvest theme. Quite appropriate for October, really. Go be seein it fer yerself.
Me contribution will be a something that been fascinatin me for a couple of years now.

Every year since 1993 in a tiny little town called Inakadate; located in Aomori,the northern most prefecture of Japan, an amazing piece of art is created.
Hundreds of people with lots of time on their hands work together to plant for or five different kinds of rice plants to create a living mural. This years piece was a depiction of two of Hokusai's 36 views of Mt. Fuji. Here be a series of photos from planting to harvest.

Me ain't too certain iffin this explains the inordinately high price fer Japanese rice. 25 lbs can cost you about $30. If ya wants to check out the other field pictures you can see them here. Me almost guarantees that you have never seen anything like this before.

Me no play with me food.

Monster Wallenda

2007-10-15T10:38:00.000+09:00

The Vixen really loves health fads. Iffin Me didn't put me foot down our home would be littered with all kinds of crazy stuff.
As it is, we have Yoga mats (rolled up and stored in their special carrying bags), an orange exercise ball (slowly losing air and gathering dust), a pair of silly dumbbells that you put water into to make 'em heavy (me filled them with wine once and pretended to be working out whilst in reality me were getting a buzz) and various books about diet and nutrition.
Me not gonna let you in on some of the culinary disasters that me has had to suffer through in the name of good health and clean living.

Behind all these attempts is the honest to goodness desire to keep me healthy. After all ya don't want the cash cow dropping dead before ya can put him out to pasture.
OK, Me will admit that Me could lose a little weight. About twelve pounds would get me into jeans that me were wearing when in college, but Me ain't be in the worst of shape. Besides, round is a shape, aint it?

Her newest fad be the "Recording Diet". This now a huge thing in the land of Lilliput, where men are facing an ever expanding waist due to the invasion of American junk food eating habits and a middle age low metabolic rate or some such shit that she be hearing on the morning news programs.

The "diet" consits of writing down everything you consume throughout the day. That be all there is to it. Iffin me gonna stuff me maw with seven Big Mac's and ten gallons of Coke that's ok; just as long as me writes it all down. Thirty seven plates from the suhi go round be alright iffin me records it in the special notebook she got fer me to enter all the essential stomach engorging information.
She checks it too. She adds things that me has forgotten and is constantly reminding me to bring the book wherever we go.
Me can't understand how this be gonna help me to shrink the waistline. Mebbe she thinks that me conscience will get the better of me and make me eat smarter.

Me dad were Roman Catholic and Me mom be Jewish. Me were raised with guilt and shame so now me be totally impervious to it. How is writing down Me midnight snackings gonna help with me eating habits?

It be quite possible that it ain't the remorse from overeating that's gonna slow me down, it probably be the fact that she cares enough to do this stuff.

Hmmm, the things we do for each other.

Me no built fer speed.

Byte my baud

2007-10-14T16:53:00.000+09:00

Things are getting to be a bit stale around here.
so me gonna have ta cook up something different.

We often carry our expectations too far and expect way to much from the people around us.
It seems to me that some of you must be gettin tired of the Monster talk and there be others who didn' like it inna first place. Me can't help that. This be the way Me be spreadin me messege and Me can't be blamed iffin ya don't get it.
Things often have to have a novel appearance before someone makes the effort to take it off the shelf and bring it home. Me likes the way me messege be wrapped; not vert pretty, but clean and presentable.

Me promised you 365 thoughts and we be almost there.
Don't really know what will happen after that.
~~Don't much care.~~
That's not true, Me wishes me spent more time on the things that counted.
Oh, well, that's what we all say or think at the end, ya?

Get goin!
There's a whole lot of shakin goin on.

Me no got much futher to go on this road.

There be a point to this, right?

2007-10-13T22:33:00.000+09:00

A computer and a blog can be one helluva great baby sitter.
Between writin down me own ramblings and reading yers, Me gets to spend lots of time here. Safe and sound and out of the public eye, Me enjoy being able to flit around anonymously and toss out whatever oddment had been rolling around in me head.

Today me is glad the work week be done with.

Nowadays, Me spends more time lookin backwards into time instead of forwards. Gettin through a week is a higher priority than jumping into it.
Me only problem be that me ain't made any plans fer me day off and Me fears that me just might spend the entire day in front of the machine. There must be hundreds of activities that me could do and many of them cost very little money. Money is an issue for even though me not be either thrifty nor stingy, me just don't have the wampum to waste.

So what are yer plans for the morrow?
Who will you be spending time with and where will you be going?

Paint a pretty picture fer me sos me can live through it vicariously.

Me no goin nowhere.

Who's in need? Indeed.

2007-10-12T23:06:00.000+09:00

Strange occurrences happen alla time.

In disguise as a mild mannered human being Me were answering a request to attend a Marriage of a friend who were me engineer when me had a radio programme here in Lilliput.

As Me sent off the reply, me noticed that another person, a good friend, were online and decided to IM her.
She be a teacher that me worked with fer a couple of years and we shared a bond because we were from the same home town. That be a rare thing here in the land where people say the strangest things.
It turns out that me friend be in a bad way. She were hit by a van and the sonovabitch didn't stop to see what damage he had done.

The woman were hurt. Hurt so very badly. That were some two months ago.

Above me desk there are two photographs. One be of Atlas holding up the world. Me took that picture more than twenty years ago in Rockefeller center to remind me that it ain't me that be holdin up the world and all of it's problems.

The other photo is of a group of five people at a party. All are laughing and making the usual stupid, slightly drunken faces at the camera and holding on to each other. It be a moment of supreme happiness and Me be the one who took the shot. Me friends stare out at me from that photograph with such happiness and joy that Me just had to have it framed and placed where me could view it every morning.

It makes me happy to remember that evening.

Me hopes she gets better,
Me hopes we all do.

Me no in a smiley mood right now.

Me makes Ice

2007-10-11T23:13:00.000+09:00

Your freezer. A home of lost dinners and pre-historic fossils of culinary examples from another age. In the Monster house the freezer is devoted to the cultivation of the perfect ice cube.

Me no blogger and me not here to tell you of the day to day experiences of a Monster among monsters. Me not here to try and entertain you. Me not even going to try to post something that make you think that me be the best thing since microwave popcorn.

Me makes ice.

There be more to solidifying water than to turn on the faucet and fill a tray of extruded plastic with tap water, oh no.
The creation of perfection or something as close as we can get to it needs total commitment to a singular ideal.
Have you ever held a pristine piece of polished ice in yer hand?
The first thing you might say to yerself is, damn this shit is cold.

It is.
But that won't stop me from from makin a drink with it.

Me no make exceptions.

And you and Me.

2007-10-11T00:08:00.000+09:00

Things haven't been perfect this week, but there have been many little breaks in the cloudy sky, sunlight peeking through.
Extending a warm me up smile as Me be walking along.

Remembering summer.

Don't really like to look over Me shoulder.

Now the Autumn wind brings a different flavor to me mind.

Anticipating the panoply of calico that will dress the mountainside.

Time enough for what Me do, yet not a moment spared to find,
the way to braid the loose ends and straggling threads of me senses together.

Tomorrow will give me another chance if me still be here.

Me No Blog.

Neither here nor there

2007-10-10T22:05:00.000+09:00

Things be feelin a little off kilter these days.
Me just ain't got the time me needs to visit and comment and me be be pretty certain that there be lots of folks who be in a similar situation.

there be an awful lot of people who are not postin these days either and Me kinda wish that Southern Girl were still around so she could do a chart or something to explain the mad exodus.

It be starting to really feel like the drive of the lemmings here. We go through cycles and this one seems quite severe. Mebbe it's all coincidence, but me has felt a change in the vibe recently and although Me believes that all will be well in a week or so. The lack of good laughs is making this all a strange and dreary weirdland of darkness.

Bring on the light however feeble it shines. One candle. One humorous story. One giggle starter be all we need to change the spectrum of light.

Here is a list of words that me finds silly. Me likes them and the way they roll offa me tongue.
Try 'em on and see what they do fer you.

Artichoke, assassin
Boondoggle
Corpuscle, cucumber
Diarrhoea, Dipsy doodle, dipso
Epistle, egregious
Flimm-flamm, flagrante, flatulent
Gustatory, guffaw, gewgaw
Hornswaggle
Idiot, inane, iconoclast
JuJubee, jocular
Kalamazoo
Lambaste, Lollobrigida
Masticate, Malaprop
Nebbish
Ostrich
Poop, Popsicle, perineum
Queasy, Quintessential
Rasputin, Raspberry
senescent, scrotum
Twaddle, toe nail, tumescent
udder, undulating, urethra
va jay jay, vacuum
Wallabies, wart, wanker
Xerxes
Yew, yuck, YUM!
Zaftig, zit, Zazu.

Me no like too much of anything.

The Golden Rule be some Catch 22

2007-10-09T07:46:00.000+09:00

Ya figger ya gonna live yer life right, treat people well and then have all good things come to you, right?

Do yerself a favor and get yer head outta yer ass.

An ex-pat. buddy of mine were complaining that he don't get no Columbus day holiday (He not even a Wop, fer fuck sakes) and that there are less paid vacation days in Japan than anywhere else in the world. This kinds stuff makes me crazy. Getting paid fer work you don't do?
When were the last time you paid a pizza guy fer not bringing you the correct pie? Did ya ever give a contractor or some other person you hired a day's wages fer not showing up at work?

Do yerself a favor and get offa yer butt and earn the money you receive.
For those of you who think that big business be making a ton of cash offa yer efforts why don't you try going into business fer yerselves. See just how quickly yer ideas about pay, labor laws and unemployment insurance will change.

You don't work, ya don't eat. Simple.

Me be believin that most everyone who live in an industrialized nation be gettin an amazing amount of services. Go to yer kitchen: ya got water. Yer readin this: ya got electric power. (if you are reading this while at work then you are a thief) Ya got folks who work round the clock fer ya: Police, Fire, Medical services. Traffic lights and railway systems that actually work even if they ain't always on time. People who take yer garbage away. Sixty different types of breakfast cereal to choose from and just as many varieties of ice cream.

And ya want more.

Now what do ya do with folks who don't give as good as they get? Me not talkin about just work here folks. This be the whole ball of wax. Do ya really want to keep bein nice to them? Keep on takin shit for their inability to get it right?
Politicians and bureaucrats keep feeding us lines about how they are going to change things, but we know that this is a joke. They usually listen to those who can help them out financially. Yet they tell us that we have rights.
Nowadays everybody's got "rights". Illegals have rights. People who fuck the system and suck the very life from civilization have rights. Even convicted prisoners have rights. Iffin you don't contribute to make the world or at least yer corner of it a better place than than there be no way yer gonna convince me that you got anything coming to you.

You gonna be able to tell me what's better now than forty or fifty years ago? Is the air cleaner? The streets safer? Are the children getting a proper education? How hard do you have to work to keep yer head above water? There still be a whole lot of inequality goin around. Even after decades of fightin for a fair deal for everyone.

We try and make things fair for everyone and no one gets an even break.
There's the golden rule biting you on the ass.

Me no belive you can have it both ways.

Ennui or Not to Be

2007-10-05T22:37:00.000+09:00

Things never quite turn out as we expect them to be and for patrolman Geley Fammin the grinding hours of dealing with human stupidity was not what he signed up for when he decided to become a cop. Three years out of the academy and already jaded, disgusted, tuned out; to the lives of everyday people. The only relaxing moments in his life were not at home with his wife, Linda, but rather at the bar, a typical cop shop two blocks from his precinct or in the squad room with the only other people in the whole damned city who knew what it was like to wear the blue.

Sitting in his cruiser and listening to the crackle of the radio, he cursed the politicians and the brass who deemed it economical and efficient to place officers in patrol cars without a partner. Spending the entire shift with nobody to talk to left him with only his imagination to keep him company during the tedious hours. "Funny", he thought to himself, "you punish a piece of shit scumbag by putting him in solitary and here I am dealing with the same fuckin bullshit."

Geley liked the night shift. Night was better than day because he felt invisible. Like he could just sneak up on someone doing something stupid and surprise the shit outta him, but that never happened. Things were pretty routine and his precinct never was known for getting a lot of heat.
Reaching over for a sip of tepid coffee he heard dispatch calling out to him with a 10-53, Vehicular accident-hit and run, EMT already notified and en rout to the scene. Lights on, no siren, Geley pushed his car in the direction of the address that dispatch had given him. He was about twenty blocks away and he figured he would be there in about six minutes. As he crossed Columbus avenue he spotted a cabbie running a light that had just turned red. "You got lucky this time, buddy", He mumbled to himself. "Any other time and I'd be pulling you over and citing you for that."
He pulled up at the scene before the ambulance arrived and he noticed that the gawkers had already started to gather. About a dozen people were standing outside a bistro. In the middle of the street lay a body, sprawled out on the asphalt; face up yet bent at that awkward angle that never seems natural and staring at the night time sky. More flashing lights and the EMT unit arrived. "Good", he thought, "at least I don't have to deal with the body". Walking over towards the crowd, a middle aged man dressed in kitchen whites came up to him and directed him in heavily accented English towards the restaurant. Gely walked into the shop and saw the pale, tear stained face of a young woman who was sitting at a table next to the entrance. He walked up to her, introduced himself and mentally prepared himself for a long night of taking down the details and trying to make sense of yet another situation that would never quite give him the answer to the question of why he did what he did everyday of his life.

Me no doin anymore of this.

Two Way Street

2007-10-04T22:32:00.000+09:00

"Eighteen hours. Eighteen hours sittin on my butt dealing with assholes of one kind or another and all I've got to show for it is a lousy $96."

It really wasn't the double shifts or the crappy customers that bothered her. It was a whole world of things that piled themselves incessantly upon one's shoulders that kept the decent life always just out of her grasp.
Spending her days and nights chasing down dollar after dollar just to make her rent, put food on the table and pay for the doctor bills.
Too many days too much bullshit and not enough to show for it. She told herself that she really had to get down to the DMV to get her licence renewed. All she needed was for the TLC or the cops to stop her and they'd pull her card right there and then. Forget the fact that her insurance had lapsed more than a month ago and there was no way that she could manage to deal with those fucking bloodsuckers.
Every buck she had ever doled out to them was a dollar taken away from her kid. Fuming at the world, lost in worry and feeling tired she trawled the streets, meandering along the avenues and side streets hoping that she could get a couple more fares that would make her nut for the night before she had to return to the garage. Glancing at the gas gauge she realized that she had to tank up before returning. Shit! SHIT, Shit, shit, shit! Slamming her fist against the steering wheel in frustration of losing even more money that she couldn't afford.
Out of the corner of her eye she glimpsed a flash of grey. Before she could react there was a thud and for the briefest of moments a face looking at her in surprises and shock. A smiling, grimacing expression that disappeared just as fast as it appeared. Her foot came down on the brakes, but it was already too late. Holding onto the steering wheel in shock and puzzlement her foot came off the brake and feeling the cab lurch forward she pushed back down on the pedal and stopped the car once again.
A flash of images ran through her mind. Police. Miranda. Her licence. Blame. Horror. Confusion. She looked around and saw that the street was empty. In a reaction of self preservation that would haunt her for the rest of her days she slammed on the accelerator and with a furious rush of adrenaline sped off into the night hoping that the person she hit would be okay and that she could get home to be with her daughter. Fifteen blocks later in a parking lot near the west side drive she sat and shook and screamed at the roof of her cab, hoping to reach the ears of her savior: Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, why oh why, why oh why, why oh why, why oh why. Noooooo.

Me no lost the other side of the coin.

Post Stomp: The first part of this story is true, as true as Me can remember it for it were more than a dozen years inna past. Today were just story telling. Me hopes it ain't shit.

Hit and Run

2007-10-03T22:59:00.001+09:00

"I could poison you." A short drag on her cigarette and a sharp exhalation producing a plume of smoke that was quickly carried away by the evening breeze.
"I could poison you and no one would be able to tell that I did it. That's what I do"
"You wouldn't be related to the Borgia's would you?"
"Who?"
"Never mind." I took an understandably cautious sip from the drink in front of me and asked her, "Why would you want to? "
"I didn't say I wanted to, I said I could." and she laughed. It wasn't a nice laugh. It felt forced and high in her throat; more like a cough than chuckle and it didn't match her face.
A face that I was quite enthralled with at the moment. Oval shaped and olive skinned, a nose that drew you towards a magnificent pair of eyes which glittered with light captured from the neon signs that hung above our heads. Her ears were a little too prominent, but she hid them behind long lustrous hair.
"I work in a research lab and spend my days analyzing various poisonous substances, many which are quite untraceable." Another quick drag, "As a joke I once put something into a punchbowl at a party that made everyone's urine turn pink."
I looked down at my half finished gin and tonic and asked, "Do I have anything to worry about here?"
"No, not from me." And with a final puff of her cigarette she stubbed it out in the already overflowing ashtray. "I'm not going to poison you, but you should know that I am poison."
"So why did you agree to meet me?" I tried to mix a tone of annoyance and confusion in my voice, but all that came out was a shrill question, a little louder than I had expected.
"I wanted to explain to you why you won't be seeing me again," "There ..."and she lit another smoke as she continued. "...is somebody else who you couldn't possibly compete with; and I wouldn't want you to try."
And then her story began. She told me of a night that was more destructive than any of the materials she handled everyday.
She and her fiancee were celebrating. He had finally proposed in a little neighborhood restaurant that they had frequented every week or so since they had met, and she had accepted . It was a night of happiness. A night where the dreams of two simple people collided and instead of confusion there was happiness. The kind of happiness that makes one think of the future and believe that it all belonged to you.
There are so very few times in life when you know that every move you make is going to turn into a golden moment. That's how they felt. That's the warmth and comfort they were wrapped up in as they paid their bill. That's the shiver of excitement she felt as she looked at the diamond on her finger. That's the elation she felt as they waltzed out into the street just barely feeling the pavement under their feet.
The magic of the moment must have overtaken him because he made the one mistake that no one can ever make if you live in New York. While looking at the face of the woman he loved, the very same face that was sitting across from me and telling this story, he stepped backwards into the street between a car and a van and into the path of a yellow cab.
He was hit so hard that the shoes he was wearing marked the exact point of contact yet his body was thrown far, far from the spot and he rolled and bounced another couple of feet after he landed.
The cab stopped for a moment. A moment of indescion and consequence must have run through the driver's brain because the brake lights flared bright released and flared again. Then as she stood there looking at the place where her fiancee once stood she heard the squealing tires of the taxi as it sped away, never to be seen again. An incident all too common and nevertheless paradoxical.

She crushed the pack of cigarettes and tossed them on the table between us. Lighting the last smoke and getting up from the table and pulling her bag onto her shoulder, she said "There are all kinds of poisons; some just kill you more slowly than others."

Me no never saw her again.

A Hallmark Moment.

2007-10-02T23:15:00.000+09:00

Me must have been thinking about tomorrow when Me wrote yesterday's post.

Me gotta stand in front of a whole classrom of students who don't want to be where they will be. Me main purpose is not to teach them, but to find them a reason to learn. That is, after all, exactly what a teacher is supposed to do.

That is also what me be tryin to do here, find some common ground for us all to walk on.
Thar be a tremendous amount of things we all have in common, but Me gonna choose what me reckons be the one thing that even the most base, despicable, vile and dishonorable of human beings has felt as deeply and thoroughly as anyone else.

Here be the Monster, askin you do do somethin just a little out of the ordinary.
Me be doin this cause Me believes that you all have the ability to complete this request.

Me wants to hear a short love story.

Share one and spread the idea. It is quite possible that for a very short time and through our connections we can change the mood of blogging and bloggers all around us.
Take a break and tell a love story on yer own blog and invite yer friends to do it. Make it funny, make it soulful, make us laugh or make us cry. Say something obnoxious or get rid of some pain.

Share yerself!

I'll tell ya my story tomorrow.

Me no lost that lovin feelin.

Rabbit weren't no Ol' Blue Eyes

2007-10-01T21:32:00.000+09:00

How is it that we find ourselves doin what we do?

Trading the moments of our lives fer Bio-Survival tickets doesn't seem worth it iffin ya ain't doin something ya likes or at the very least will make some sort of difference in the lives of others.

Me be awfully fortunate that me truly likes me the work that me be doin everyday, but mebbe me would would feel better about it iffin me had actually chosen that path fer meself instead of falling into it.

It seems that me has travelled so far from the dreams of me youth.

What me grew up believing me were gonna be turned out to be quite different from what me were good at makin money doin.

Are you one of the lucky few that are doing something you like and are good enough to make a living at it?

Me must admit that at this point me won't stop teachin. It would be a lot more fun 'iffin it be from choice not necessity.
What me would like to change is all the other stuff that seems to collect on a person like barnacles on the hull of a ship.

Me no free quite yet.

Birds of different feathers

2007-09-30T23:36:00.000+09:00

There are several layers to life on the blog and one needs to have people that fit into various categories to fill out the spaces that yer own blogging don't cover. That's why on this weeks SYCOPHANTIC SUNDAY Me will give you an intro to a couple of bloggers who are quite different from me yet provide a reader with plenty of reasons to peruse their pages.

First on Me list be: Confessions of a Bottle Blonde. The second thing you be noticing about this girl is just how human she is. The first order of humour is the ablity to poke fun at yerself and Bottle Blonde be doin that with style. Go forth and visit, you'll laugh. You'll giggle. You'll stare at her amazing breasts.

BottleBlonde

Post Stomp: She promised me a nekkid picture of herself iffin Me posted this. Me just hope it comes in without the big black stripe across all the fun parts.

No.2 and me does mesan "Number two" here. Hot like us. Me can't figger out exactly what be goin on here. The creator of this place (and me believes it be the work of a single person.) has what could be a great idea: four girls contributing to asses the inanity of the blogworks. Yet the only thing that's come of it has been childish attacks and vapidity of gargantuan proportions. Iffin they visit, expect nastiness.
Me likes em cuz "they" be posting nekkid pictures of themselves to attract old bastids like the Monster. Angela claims to be the smart one of the group. That alone is worth a vist for the laughs you will get.

Have a stompin good time!

Me no wonderin what makes the world a wacky place.

Oral fixation

2007-09-30T21:06:00.000+09:00

It be pretty amazing to me, the lengths people will go to get access to yer orifice.
Me despises toothpaste commercials. Me cringes at the happy smiles and the inane tag lines that they add to the awful images of smiley happy faces. Here are a bunch of commercials that Me found, some that you will never get to view in the west.

Warning: do not be brushing yer pearly whites while viewing. Toothpaste be tough to remove from keyboards.

Me just wanted to put up the Addam's family- Morticia be the hottest.

Monty Python makes toothpaste classy.

Me just wants to stick a toothbrush in her ear!

Me don't quite get this one, but at least no one is smilin.

Too happy not to leave this one out.
You won't need to speak Japanese to get the messege.

You will never, never be able to purchase this in America.

Me knows it ain't toothpaste, but me actually liked this one.

Me no flashing me pearly whites.

Long Ride Home

2007-09-29T20:12:00.000+09:00

It Not be all that often that me go and wax nostalgic thinking about me past and wonderin iffin Me had the chance to go back and do it all over again, would me do it differently?
Nah, Me wouldn't, but Me would like to get together with two buddies that me used to hang with.
One guy, Willy, were the type of guy who, after a bottle of Old English 800 would get profound and say somethin like, "Hey guys, did you ever notice that evil spelled backwards is live?" Now after we plunged the depths of Will's philosophy which as you may have surmised, didn't take very long.
Me other friend, Ray, would come up with ideas that would definitely get us into trouble iffin we weren't careful. Ray knew how to get us into movie theatres through the back door. He knew how to sweet talk a liquor store owner into selling an underage kid a bottle of whiskey. He knew what to say to the local gangs to keep us from gettin our asses kicked fer walkin on the wrong side of the street. Yeah, this guy had the gift of gab and he always had somethin up he sleeve. He had to cuz it were the only thing that got him outta all the trouble he were constantly gettin into.

When me were a a lot younger than me be today, Me used to read a magazine called 'Heavy Metal'. Don't know iffin they still be publishing it and probably wouldn't read it iffin they were.
That magazine introduced me to a muthaload of excellent artists and story tellers that left a huge impression on me. There were one charactercreated by the fabulous Barry Wrightson called Captain Lincoln F. Sternn, who always reminded me of Ray and another called Hanover Fiste who were definitely Willy.
Me were thinking about these guys today while tryin to keep me ass outta hot water at work and Me is thankful for the little bits of Ray that rubbed off on me and helped me out of a fairly sticky situation.

Here be a taste of Captain ~~Ray~~ Sternn.

Me no forget me roots.

Tall Tales

2007-09-28T23:03:00.000+09:00

Sometimes the strangest things come in the strangest packages.
Me needs a break tonight coz me fucked up pretty badly and cost me boss a client.
Here be something that has always puzzled me. Four of the whitest guys me has ever seen makin the coolest, jive ass music that anyone can identify with.
Me gonna "Take five". You takefive too. You've probably earned it.

Today be post three hundred and one and Me don't have a specific thought to share with you.

Tomorrow will be different.

Me no, Me no.

Me will show you mine iffin you show me yours.

2007-09-27T22:44:00.000+09:00

At the finish of Monday's post Me had believed that me sense of humor were returning to me . This were something me were worried abot cuz me posts have had a serious side to them even when Me were tryin fer a light touch.

During me afternoon lunch break Me were patting meself on the back for the effort in creating the photoshopped Collage and the interactive approach to getting people to talk about what bugs them.
Me were also concerned about revealing a scatological fact about the Monster, But Me guesses that it turned out alright cuz the things you guys wrote were truly inspiring.
Yet as me be thinking about me posts, there be something tickling deep in the recesses of me furry little brain.

Me wondering just how many folks come here only to get me to look at their blogs. Now don't take umbrage at this. It's a valid question and me be pretty sure that you have wondered the same thing.
Me understands that people come and people go, yet as me looks at the list of people in me Stomping Buddies, which has grown to what me believes to be an amazing length in the last year, Me sees a lot of names that no longer come to visit.
It is impossible for me to visit each and everyone on that list on a daily basis. The last time me tried it took almost three hours to get through all the posts and comment on the ones me felt compelled to add me voice to, so me knows that we can't always contribute to a blogger's efforts.

The fact that Me does me utmost to post a thought each and every day makes it daunting to keep up with the pace me sets (Sometimes it's tough fer me too) and one might miss a post or three or six.
Me were considering asking you a bunch of questions about what you like or dislike about blogging or what it is that turns you off to certain posts. Me could ask you why you lose interest in a person's doodling, but Me not gonna do that.
Me wansta let things run their natural course.
You can write about that iffin ya want. Me just wants ya to say 'Hi' if ya happen to drop by. That's what me gonna do from now on when me travels by mouse. Watch fer me "stomps".

Y'all stay happy out there.

Me no got a point today.

Balancing the Books

2007-09-26T23:11:00.000+09:00

You got stuff that drives ya crazy? Find irksome? Just really dislike doing? Me do too.
Pretty much anytime we go out into the world and bump into people we are going to hear about things that other folks find perturbing.

"I don't like waking up early."
"Housework sucks!"
"Can't you leave the toilet seat down, Goddammit!"
"Why the hell does it take her an hour to pick out something to wear, fer chrissake!"
"The traffic this morning made me wish I had a Glock 9"
"I can never understand these tax forms"
"How come the fuckin TV always breaks don the day after the warranty runs out?"
"I wake up every morning with hair in my mouth and I'm going fuckin bald. Is this mental floss?"
"How come I can't ever find the edge of a roll of cellophane tape"
" Why doesn't someone invent a pump that will let you get the last of the shampoo out of the bottle without having to jerk the damn thing off?"
"Am I ever gonna get a cup of coffee that doesn't have some fuckin grind at the bottom of the cup?"
"Don't you just hate the way pebbles find their way into your shoes."
"Damn bartender only notices the broads with big tits."

OK, OK, Me thinks ya get the picture, but these ain't me problems. There be one thing that totally revolts me and there be no reason that me can give to explain why it be.

Me hates to take a dump if me be wet.
Does this happen to you? Iffin me be wet, like soaking wet, Me cannot go to the toilet.
Me would rather walk on hot coals than pinch a loaf after a swim.
Iffin me be in the shower me could pee Niagra falls, but iffin Me gets a sphincter spasm there is no way me can go sit onna shit stool and lay out some Lincoln Logs.
Me never feels as if me can deliver the whole load. And forget about toilet paper. Me probably goes through half a roll tryin to make sure that everything be copacetic before me goes back into the water. Now that don't make any kind of sense, do it?

Now there be some people who might say that this be waaaaay too much info, but hey we all lay cable and we've all had problems with cheap toilet paper or even instances where there been none at all.
Sometimes talkin shit is to be taken literally. It reduces us to the same level. After all Me be pretty sure that George Clooney and Julia Roberts count kernels of corn; same as you and Me.

Me no full o' shit.

Gimme that Damn Penny

2007-09-25T23:17:00.000+09:00

There really isn't anything wrong with the world.

Now, kind people, before you start bombarding me comment section with a litany of ills that plague our planet, please stroll a bit with me and let's see iffin we can make some sense.
If there is a problem with what you see around you, then the problem lies within you. Yes Me be totally serious here.
You cannot separate yourself from the world or society or from the personal relationships you have developed or plan to cultivate during your lifetime. This says to me that the world is merely a projection of how one sees the relationship that is held between yourself and society at large. If you agree with this then maybe it be better to start looking within ourselves for understanding, for our own problems are the worlds problems.

Now if ya gonna ask about all the negative aspects of the world such as poverty, war, injustice, crime, obesity, homelessness, thievery, murder, arson, greed, the mistreatment of children and animals, rape, jingoism, religious intolerance, socioeconomic disparity, etc.
Ask yerself iffin these ain't problems born of the human animal.
These are not the problems of the world, they are the issues that lie within ourselves because we have created them and we ain't gonna get things right on the outside until we get them right on the inside.

Me figgers this were a rant.

Me no always like what me sees.

Too Fuckin Busy, and vice versa

2007-09-24T11:00:00.000+09:00

The Bald Eagle is the national symbol of America, yet there is another bird that represents the true nature of American spirit and and can be more readily found throughout the land.

Giving the finger. Flippin the bird. The ol' fuckeroo.
Yeah, folks there be many reasons fer dishin out a hardy helpin of FUCK YOU on toast with an order of EAT SHIT on the side.
It's a fuck or be fucked world and remember that it be better to give than to recieve.
Fuckin 'A' right, bubba!
Me not gonna do a Dykerson here folks, me just wants ta know what makes you nuckin futs. Tha's right, Me gots to find out who the recipient be when yer rollin out the middle finger?

Idiot drivers? Shithead sales people? Moronic Managers? Who gets yer bird?

Here's yer chance to leave a nice juicy fuckburger fer some deserving schmuck and let the world know who ya want to fuck! Just remember when someone gives ya the finger the only appropriate response is: Fuck you harder, with a bigger dick!

Me no fuckin around.

Don't Touch that Dial

2007-09-23T21:33:00.000+09:00

For this weeks Sycophantic Sunday post Me would like to introduce you to Leelee's

KITCHEN CONCERTS

There be many of you who are already familliar with her Thoughts and Meanderings, yet there is another lyrical side to her that is quite delightful. It's not just the songs that she posts fer our listening pleasure, but also her personal commentary that goes along with it. Me often listens to her tunes while writing me posts. Iffin ya go fer a visit and request a tune Me be pretty sure she'll do her darndest to get it up fer ya. This gal's a stomper!

Me no get payola.

Hard of Hearing.

2007-09-23T14:48:00.000+09:00

Here be something truly unbelievable, something so bizarre that even now Me can't believe the veracity of it, yet here it is: Me actually gets paid to speak to people. Sometimes Me be asked to travel a bit and speak to groups of people. Me has even sat in front of a microphone and talked to bunch of blinking lights yet there were many ears to hear me words.
Speaking be one thing and getting people to listen and understand be a completely different matter.

Me enjoys the ephemeral quality of speech. The permanence of the written word can be daunting; scary like old high school pictures of you doing things you don't really want anyone to see now that you've gotten a little wiser.

Me has only one wrist watch that actually works and me almost never wears it unless me be doing some kind of sporting activity. The others are all very impressive time pieces. An brown alligator skin band attached to a square faced mechanism with roman numerals on it. Another that is round and has a thin black leather strap. Then there is one that in made from stainless steel with a bright orange face. It looks more like a bracelet than a watch and it weighs a ton. When me wears it me feels like me be getting a work out. There is also a pocket watch and a solid gold chronometer that were passed down from me father. plenty of accouterments with two things in common: They make me look a whole lot more sophisticated than Me really be, and they tell me the time is Now.

Me likes Sunday mornings 'cuz me don't feel the need to pay attention to time. Me goes through all the bloggers in me side bar and catches up with what you folks be writing about. Me also contemplates the world around me.
We spend our days rushing from place to place and living in a world of 24hr supermarkets, round the clock news and time saving devices. The Internet keeps us all connected at every moment, yet time has become a dwindling commodity. Where does it go? How do you know if yer wastin it or not? It's not like ya can go back and get a 'do-over', is it?

Where do you find the time?

Me no on the clock.

Gettin ready fer Tomorrow

2007-09-22T21:35:00.000+09:00

Me be thinkin that Me gonna keep it simple today.

Learn to tell the difference between real trouble and minor bumps in the road.

If someone starts a sentence with: "I really shouldn't be telling you this, but..." turn around and walk away.

Every mistake you make in life will get you closer to where ya want to be if you can manage to learn from them.

Noboby has the answers you need.

A sunrise is always perfect.

Food that might not be good for yer health is often wonderful for the spirit.

Keeping the peace is everyone's responsibility.

Maybe you can take it with you, cuz ya don't really leave anything behind.

There is nothing better than making love to someone who loves you and wants to make you smile.

We all STOMP or at least we should.

Me no stomping today.

A Tale of Two Titties.

2007-09-21T21:54:00.000+09:00

OK. Now that Me got yer attention and the Google search engine will supply me with an abundance of literary preverts to bolster the dwindling weekend hits that me receives on me blog; you can rest assured that today's title, like those on many of me posts, has very little to do with the buxom beauty who graces this page.

Yes, this post might conceivably be about sex or to be more exact about the sexual nature of the human animal or more specifically the bizarre nature of the Scary Monster.

The large breasted women is not what me finds appealing. Sure me likes to watch thems walkin down the boulevard, but me don't want to approach them nor do me want to get up close and personal. When it comes to breasts, anything more than a handful just might sprain a tongue. Now Me has wrestled with various shapes and sizes and found them all enjoyable, but it be the women of what me refers to as the perky, sporty type that catch me attention.

Now don't get yer brassiere straps in a bunch here. Me just describing me personal peccadilloes. Me might be sexist, and Me would like to think we all are, but that don't mean that Me judges a woman on her cup size. Me believes that there be a reasonable explanation as to why me be liking the slightly curved, heaven bound, handful of tantalizing female endowments with Hershey kiss accouterments that protrude with fantastic contrast in wet T-shirt contests.

The women in me family all be well endowed, in fact so are the men, and it be quite possible that the shock of the approaching milk factory that me mama provided could have left me scarred and in fear of something larger than me head. Woody Allen might have gone through the same circumstances while he were a child for he describes his fears perfectly here:

Me not really scared of me mama's breastable's anymore, but me feels a greater comfort in something that me can dominate and control without fear of suffocation or retribution.

Me no climbing Mt. Everest.

Me vs Me

2007-09-20T22:03:00.000+09:00

You get up in the morning and yer feelin great. Mebbe ya can't remember the dreams ya dreamt, but they left you feelin better than ya have in a long time.
Going through yer morning rituals and everything seems to fall in place without any effort. All the clothes ya choose fit yer mood and are the perfect color scheme for the season. Breakfast comes out perfectly and ya didn't have to rush through the meal to leave the house on time.
There are no assholes on the road, and almost every red light turns green as you approach them. Your favorite song ends just as you pull into yer parking place and yer ready to face the folks at the office.
As you sit down to work you find that the pen you are holding is perfectly balanced and that every letter, every word looks as if it were being written by a master calligrapher. The office coffee is made just the way you like it and work falls smoothly into place.

I woke up this morning and things were very similar to the to the aforementioned scenario.
I woke up feelin fresh, (I usually do.) made my eggs and of of course there were that little piece of shell I missed that added just the right amount of crunch to the last mouthful of omelet.
The morning coffee was nice and strong, rich in aroma and perfectly made. Standing at the kitchen sink, the only place I'm allowed to smoke in the house, I was distracted by the clean up and lifted what I believed to be a lighter to the cigarette dangling from my lips and ended up dunking the smoke into the mug, spoiling the last cup of brew in the pot and the last smoke in the pack. a nice double whammy.
On my way to work I popped into the convenience store fer a new pack of smokes and threw them into me bag. Outside the store I tossed the empty pack into the trash and sped off. The drive were fairly perilous cuz I couldn't find the CD I wanted to listen to and kept looking for it all the way to work. Made it to work in one piece and arrived to find the doors locked and no one there. with nothing to do except wait for the place to open I went downstairs for a smoke. When I pulled the cigaretts out of my bag I realized that I had thrown the newly purchased pack in the garbage and kept the empty for my self. The rest of the day did go much better than the start except for the moment me started to doze off during a lesson, but I was fortunate enough to get through with out making any other mistakes.

Lucky me.

I'm going to sleep.

Me favorite CSNY song.

2007-09-19T23:48:00.000+09:00

Everyone got something to offer.
We all be made up of experience and memory and that makes each individual person roaming this earth far more unique than anything produced by the hands and minds of any life form on this planet. Kanrei over at the Lemming House once put it this way:

"The average ejaculation consists of around 250 million sperm cells. This means that the person we were to become had to overcome the odds of 1 in 250 million. The odds of winning the lottery is somewhere around 1 in 14 million. This means that I overcame greater odds than winning the lottery almost eighteen times to be who I am today. How could I possibly feel like a loser winning against those odds? Guess what, you overcame the same odds. How could anything ever be impossible after overcoming a 1 in 250 million shot?"

Me had to use he words cuz there just not be a better way to say it. There ya are! Even iffin ya find it hard to believe, Ozzy Osbourne, Charles Manson, Brittney Spears, Charlie Chaplin, Thomas Edison and Ichiro Suzuki; made from the same star stuff all prevailed the same odds to walk the razors edge.

That being said, me figgers that no matter how much fame or infamy one might acquire in the process of livin one's life, there be a certain satisfaction of sharing what knowledge you have gained. There be a desire to make certain that the footprints we leave in the sand ain't washed away by the rolling surf of time.
Some through progeny.
Some use art.
Some with invention.
One way or another we all take part.
How will you insure yer immortality?

Me no writ in stone.

Mr. Invisible

2007-09-19T23:05:00.000+09:00

There be nuthin and Me means nuthin like being invisible. You can walk down any street, enter any cafe, sit in a movie theatre and be in a room with another person and they just don't see you.

Many folks have this fantasy. The ability to walk around and listen to other people's conversations. To casually enter places where ya not supposed to be. Ya can be the incubus/succubus; a scoundrel who steals the heart and satisfies the fantastical needs of an unsuspecting lover.
Yes! You too, can be unseen.
Imagine being able to go wherever you want and nobody notices you. Consider what it would be like to walk through life making changes to the world around you and no one knows why or how their lives be affected by the things you do.
You have to walk carefully, ya know. You still have a body and a spirit, but folks just won't see you for what you are.
There be so many options available to you. think about the surprises you could pop on unsuspecting folks. The jokes you could play. You could rearrange furniture while people are away and watch their reaction when they return.

Me thinks it be pretty cool to be invisible. There are few other super powers me would choose for me self.

What be yer super power fantasy? What if it really came true? would ya want to go back?

Me no feelin coporeal.

Two by Two

2007-09-18T21:56:00.000+09:00

Rain be falling steady for two days now. It's neither the type of downpour that instantly overwhelms and floods everything nor is it the kind of precipitation that tickles and taunts you; making you feel as if it is safe to go out without an umbrella without fear of getting drenched.

This be a quintessential shower. Iffin ya listen, and Me has, you can almost hear the individual pendant drops hitting various surfaces and making their very own distinct notes. Nature's orchestra, a symphony of wind, trees, leaves, asphalt and running feet.

Weather like this makes me wonder what Noah must have been thinking while sittin in he ark listening to the sounds of the water and the animals and he family. It must have been crowded, but Me reckons that it weren't all that different then than it is today living with someone else. No matter what size yer ark might be, two or more people sharing the same dwelling might find that even the largest of domiciles can feel crowded.

Most folks live their lives at a different rhythm. The daily doings that we all engage in may occasionally produce the teensy tiniest amount of stress between two folks. Every now and again The Vixen and Me bump elbows when working at home or give each other non- verbal hints about each others driving by holding onto the door handle while pressing down on the imaginary brake on the passenger side. Our kitchen is barely big enough for me to move around in so whenever Me sees her approaching Me cuts her off with: "go away, go inside and play on the computer or watch TV or whatever, just don't come into me kitchen," unfortunately she don't say the same to me when she be doin the wash.

A couple of days ago things got kind of hairy between us. Tempers flared and tears flowed. Gripes brought out of hibernation, waiting for just this moment to make life even more difficult than it already be. Me even suspected her of putting something in me dinner 'cause she weren't eating the same food me were. So now me has spent the weekend on me own and the coals of our argument are still kinda warm. It's a good time fer reflection and for retractions. Me knows me drives her up a wall and she reciprocates in kind. It ain't easy livin with another person, but it keeps you on yer toes. In time we gonna kiss and make up that's what bein married be all about.

Did Noah have these problems?

Me no walkin spanish.

Monster Theatre

2007-09-17T13:37:00.000+09:00

Camille, the quirky, quixotic author of LittleBird Blue passed on an idea that Me thought were a good'un. A meme of sorts where you list yer five favorite movies.

Me has always had a problem with "favorites". Me don't really have favorites of any kind. Me preferences change with me moods; so instead of posting, what would be for me, five indiscriminate movie clips. Me be choosing to place a selection of what me believes to be the defining movies of me life. Those that me remembers most fondly for they affected me like a good story ought to.

Now, for your consideration. The Scary Monster presents:

Me tried to find a clip of the movie: From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.
Both of these movies taught me about adventure and imagination. Claudia Kincaid were the first and only time me ever had romantic feelings fer a screen character

This one needs no explination.
Even now, if there's a Monster movie on TV, Me be certain to watch it!

Now although Me be a huge Star Wars fan, Me always thought that this movie had more of an effect on me. The idea that all of us have a very limited time to experience the wonders of the world were not lost on me. Darryl Hannah were pretty cute too.

Me had a hard time here it was a tough decision between Spartacus and Ben Hur. Me went with Kirk Douglas. Sorry, Charlie. Oh, what the hell...

Finally the final feature of this post belongs to...

Me realizes that me didn't put any comedies in me selection.
Gonna have to do that another time.
You see, comedies, especially the romantic ones, hold a special place in me Monster memories.

Me no got no popcorn.

Iffin you got the time, Me got the words.

2007-09-16T23:57:00.000+09:00

Sunday. A day fer reflection and/or recreation fer many people throughout the world.
Some folks start out their day in prayer. Either in a house of God or in the bathroom.
It be funny how the penitent all look very similar. The pious lower their heads in prayer while sinners lower their heads in pain. Whether you be asking for salvation or a succor to yer hangover, the thoughts come from the same place in yer heart.

Me were gonna take a drive out to the country and visit people; take a break from the hairy bullshit and get me head straightened out.
Me did something different.
Me told the Vixen to take off instead. Me needed a break from her as much as me needed a little down time to get me head screwed back on tight.

The first thing me did were to tidy the entire apartment. Laundry, blankets, bedding all run through the washing machine. While that were going on me dusted, scrubbed vacuumed and swept.
The kitchen needed a bit o' elbow grease. The stove top burners, cabinets, refrigerator all required a thorough cleaning and since we never seem to find the time to catch up on these things, today seemed like a good time to take care of it all.

Me believes that having yer surroundings clean and fresh be a necessity before ya can even attempt to clear the inner dust bunnies from the nooks and crannies (Be that particular phrase redundant?) of yer mind.

Once me be finished typing this up, me gonna put one of me favorite CD's in the portable player and sit inna bath untill me mind, soul and body be as clean as me surroundings. Once that's done me will return with this weeks suggested site. Me be pretty certain that ya gonna find it quite interesting.

Me no dislike being with meself.

Jew for a day.

2007-09-16T21:04:00.000+09:00

Last week, Wednesday was the start of the Jewish new year. The day is called Rosh Hashanah. The Shofar, a ram's horn, is blown and the new year begins.
Six days from now the Jewish community will gather once again and celebrate Yom Kippur, the day of atonement. This is the day where you do yer best to square things with your maker.
In between these two important days is a period known as the "days of awe". It is here, during this time; where you have to balance the scales with the world around you 'cause once the Day of Atonement is over all judgement is passed on you and "the books" are closed. These books are Gods way of keeping track of things. This could be why many Jews become accountants. It makes 'em feel that much closer to the holy spirit.

Me likes the idea of gettin things settled between Me spiritual self and Me worldly self. Then putting it all behind me and starting new. Ya don't have to be a Jew to see the sense in this.

Me has cleaned me home and is now in the process of workin out all the other kinks in me life.
Me gonna go someplace quiet where Me can see the beauty of God and all the majesty of creation and contemplate the workings of our relationship.
Me figgers a really nice mountain view and a couple of hours of solitude just might do the trick. A place where the sky be wide and the vista, spectacular.

There be no mysticism or religious affiliation needed to do this. Ya won't lose yer soul and burn in Gehenna fer gettin in touch with yer past mistakes and vowing to do better. Anybody's beliefs could fall into place with these actions.
Truth be told, ya don't even need a specially appointed time to do this stuff. Just doing it be enough.

Me no complete heathen.

A Different Look at Japan

2007-09-16T20:06:00.000+09:00

This weeks Sycophantic Sunday post is spotlighting a photographer and artist who, as far as Me be concerned, captures an original and essential view of Japan and more specifically Japanese women.
Although many of his photos are of nudes (This be a warning to the more sensitive or prudish amongst you.) there are quite a few of other subjects covered and some paintings as well.

Go and visit Tokyo Undressed now Rikki Kasso's view of the world be especially wonderful, erotic and eye opening.

Here are a few examples of he work.

Graceful Torture

Make Believe

King Impact

Me no Artless Dodger.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!

2007-09-15T20:09:00.000+09:00

There be a happy making time. Even though the Scary one be prohibited from drinking Me did the unthinkable and let meself be talked into goin out with me co-workers. Oh! How they had to twist me arm. Because of this, Me come to remember some things about living that me had forgotten.

Life without friends or enemies is infinitely boring.

Honest laughter can be sweeter than any piece of music composed by man or woman.

Alcohol can make intelligent people tell the most uncharacteristic stories.

The 'sweat' on a mug of beer or your drink of choice makes it look all the more thirst slakey.

You don't always have to listen to doctors, having fun can add years too your life.

Talking about the future and sharing your dreams can make you humble.

All of the above be why Me gets outts bed in the morning.

Me knows that there are many more things that one can add to this list so go ahead and contribute something special of yer own.

Don't trip when ya stomp.

Me no forgettin what be important.

Peter Pancreas

2007-09-14T00:24:00.000+09:00

The Monster be here and posting in person tonight folks!

After three days under medical supervision and pharmacological treatment me be strollin and meandering among the highways and byways of the net again. I promise that I will visit all youse guys before me return to the clutches of Herr Doktor. (I got the weekend off due to truly horrid behaviour)

There be a certain animosity in me relationship with Herr Docktor. Me has to go to him every now and again and let him travel through the complete inner workings of me various bodily systems.
Has you ever be getting a complete and invasive physical check up? Iffin ya have then Me not havin to tell you that there be better ways to spend a couple of days.
Here in Lilliput, iffin ya work in the public service industry ya gotta go fer an annual check up. Sometimes ya get the chance to undergo in a full head to toe investigation. Yippie!

One of me recent conversations with Herr Doktor went something like this:

"Vell Mr. Monster, it es so good to see you still here."*
"Do you mean that you are happy to see me or that you are surprised I'm still alive after that wonderful rectal-ramoscopy you ordered for me?"
"Yess well, ehem, I have here ze results of you recent tests and I must say that you are in very good condition for a 57 year old man."
"Hey thanks doc, but I'm still in my 40's. What does the report say?"
"Hmm, Vat ess dat?" said me bearded physician as he perused the top page on a file that was aqs thick as the Webster's dictionary, "zere es something that don't look too kosher"
"Um, whaddaya mean doc?"
"Vell it sez here that your pancreas is off kilter. Mit not doing ze job as it should."
"What the hell is a pancreas?"
"It is ze thingamabob that is connected to ze belly bag vitch processes the bulk materials of ingestion. With pancreatic assistance the Big Mac you often eat for lunch is turned into a sludge that allows the twisty turny water slide thingy to release various und necessary goot nutrients into zee body."
"Uh, huh"
"Yez, you are to be staying here for one more day that we shall zee that the pancreas iz vermakin happy enzymes..."

What the fuck a pancreas does Me had no idea, but me did remember that weird Al did a song about it. Me mailed the Vixen, asked her to download it and bring it to me on a her portable DVD player.

Me had this educational and elucidating video posted here for yer viewing pleasure.

ENJOY!

Talking with them in the medical profession be an ever enlightening trip into the complexity and frailty of the human body...How about a different kind of enlightenment.

What be the worst thing anyone has ever said to you?

What event in yer life made you more nervous or conflicted than you been ever feelin before in yer life?

What be yer greatest concern fer yer future?

What it gonna take for you to attain happiness?

What give you the willies?

Who do you call in the middle of the night when yer scared?

Me no in the clear just yet.

* Me doctor speaks with a Japanese accent, but me thought German were funnier.

Glad today ain't Friday

2007-09-13T01:30:00.000+09:00

Fer the last three days this place be kinda runnin without the Monster at the wheel. Tha's why Me not answerin yer mail or yer comments.
No insult be intended, it's just that Me be outta touch and ain't got access to Me computer.
These posts are comin at you second hand via me cell phone. Me be sendin stuff out but someone else be doin the actual configuration.
Me can read some of what you folks type, but me can't answer. There being unsecure items on the comment section that me cell not be allowing me to view, oh well. It be kinda like bein in a coma; outta touch with the real world and unable to move yet feelin and sensing all the world around ye.

With a little bit of luck Me gonna be singing this song the day after tomorrow. Don't worry folks, Me not in trouble. Just gotta answer some questions and make the world around me believe that it be OK for me to STOMP at will.

Me not bein too sure which version of this song were chosen fer me, but iffin ya take the time to listen to the words me be pretty certain that ya ain't gonna be dissapointed.
Sometimes secrets be way out in the open and yelled from the roof tops!

STOMP ON!

Me no more nor less than Me.

What....

2007-09-12T22:53:00.000+09:00

A picture be sayin a thousand words, right?

Well here's somethin ya will just have ta believe... Alfred E Neuman had it right.

Me no out of the public eye just yet.

Post Stomp: The Scary one not be in Funky town. Me be hale and hearty, filled to the brim with vim and vigor, all engines firing hot and both STOMPERS placed firmly upon the firmament. Now iffin Me can convince a few others of that Me can get back to doin the things Me were put here to do- Stay Stompy.

They're Coming to Take Me Away.

2007-09-11T22:36:00.000+09:00

Hmmm, what's up? Me don't really know, so me cain't tell you.
What me can say is iffin me daily up dates suddenly stops then something not be going well in Lilliput. Damn It's times like these that ya wish ya lived in Denmark.

Do yerself a favor. Go into me archives and pick a month, any month. Find a post ya ain't seen before or iffin ya go back far enough pick one where there be no foot prints. Click on the comment button and let us know what ya think.

Me may not be able to get back to ya right away, but Me will enjoy the fact that you be doin sumpin that adds to the balance of this place.
Balance be a good thang and it just might save that dog.

Stomp.

Me no like limbo.

Clint and Sondra's second performance

2007-09-10T16:15:00.000+09:00

This post be inspired by VE's Fantastical Nonsense and Kanrei's home for Wayward Lemmings.
Both a deese bloggers doin produce works that are to the liking of the Monster.

In recent history VE produced Celebrity Survivor (You must go there to get this post) and pitted many of today's celebrity low life's against each other to see who gets to party and who get sent to rehab.
Kanrei stated in the comment section that he created something that were beyond the abilities of the Scary Monster, (hence the title of today's post) so Me be done decided, not to out do, but rather to augment the hillarity that VE produced (with he permission of course).
Me be thinking that he teams needed some help from those who been there before and suffered the fatal consequences of life in the fast lane. So, Now for yer time wasting pleasure, The One and Only Incredibly Scary Monster presents

The Dead Celebrity Support Teams to Next Season's Survivor.

WOMEN’S TEAM

Name: Janice Joplin.

Favorite Vice: Southern Comfort.

In support of: Amy Winehouse.

Reason for returning:
"I've been where she's going and I believe that I can keep her out of rehab and away from Jeff's little snuffer. With a bottle of booze and a bunch ~~horny~~ Thorny roses we'll make for the toughest team."

Name: Joan Crawford.

Favorite Vice: Coat hangers.

In support of: Britney Spears.

Reason for returning:
"This child needs to learn how to be a real bitch with style.
She's got no balls! I believe I can show her how to handle the other members of her team and keep her children in line at the same time."

Name: Marlene Dietrich.

Favorite Vice: Greta Garbo.

In support of: Paris Hilton.

Reason for returning:
"Dis Hilton girl is completely lost, dahlink. If she had talent and a thimbleful of sex appeal, she might be able to handle ze other girls. I vill make sure that she does not vant to be alone."

Name: Marylin Monroe.

Favorite Vice: Alcohol, Drugs and Presidents.

In support of: Lindsay Lohan.

Reason for returning: "Poor Lindsay is way out of control. I can make a difference, so I just had to come back. Be sides it's getting close to the fourty five year itch. She needs a true glamour gal to show her how to spiral gently and score on some really prime men before she takes the big plunge. As a team we could definitely distract the other side. Besides all the other supporters are lesbians we need something beside rug munching between tasks"

Name: Mama Cass Elliot.

Favorite Vice: Ham Sandwiches. I'm Giving up tryin to tell people otherwise. Good thing there wasn't half a man sittin on the nightstand.

In support of: Janet Jackson.

Reason for returning: "This child is following the same path that I did. She's got great pipes and maybe she too can get hit on the head with them, if she don't, and keeps on gorging, she'll end up looking like Oprah Winfrey. Plus I want to get a closer look at that nipple piercing."

Name: Tina Turner.

Favorite Vice: Strong willful males.

In support of: Whitney Huston.

Reason for returning: "Hey I ain't dead yet! Ike didn't finish me. Besides if I were dead I'd be supporting Mel Gibson."

MEN’S TEAM

Name: Errol Flynn.

Favorite Vice: Young girls, illegally young girls.

In support of: Tom Sizemore.

Reason for returning:
"When I heard Tom was In need of another penis I couldn't help but offer my services. The male in me demanded that I help tom gain the accolades in sexual achievements that I had when I was ravishing under age beauties,"

Name: John Belushi.

Favorite Vice: Sex & Drugs & Rock n Roll

In support of: Robert Downey Jr.

Reason for returning: "What can I say, this guy's a fuck up, but we comedians gotta stick together. He's been in and out of rehab more times than we've seen Paris Hilton's panties. I'm gonna do my best to keep him free, not drug free mind you. That would be impossible. Just out on the streets. I got one question fer ya though. Do I have to wear this fuckin toga the whole season? Is that my hell?"

Name: Dean Martin.

Favorite Vice: Wine Women & Song.

In support of: Ty Rennington.

Reason for returning: "Anyone who's had as many DUI's as I've had needs a little help. He needs a boozing buddy who knows all the ins and outs of Vegas. I can give him the edge over the rest of the rat pack"

Name: Rock Hudson.

Favorite Vice: Willful males Like Gomer Pyle.

In support of: Maculay Caulkin

Reason for returning: "He's pretty. He's so, so pretty. I wonder if I should go talk to Jacko before I approach him."

Name: Johnny Cash.

Favorite Vice: Drugs & Women.

In support of: Lance Garrison.

Reason for returning: "If this punk is goin to prison then he's gonna need a mentor to tell him what to expect inside of Folsom. He's a killer alright, just wanna keep him from becoming a boy named Sue. "

Name: River Pheonix.

Favorite Vice: Drugs & Poontang.

In support of: Colin Farrel.

Reason for returning: "Well, I bit the bullet early on and really didn't get a chance to do as many drugs or women as I thought I was going to do. When I saw this guy I thought to myself that I would be the perfect wingman for this guy. He ain't gonna stop and maybe I can get a contact high."

Me gotta give VE credit fer he post. This were a real pain in the butt to put together. Me didn't even bother with me dead celebrity host. Me had Foster Brooks all lined up fer the color commentary and jokes, but Me figgers most of you jokers don't even know who he is. Iffin ya do, better not admit it. You'll only date yerself.

Remember. It can happen to you

Me no flyin high.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

2007-09-09T18:44:00.000+09:00

Welcome to Monsters "Sycophantic Sunday".
Today me will going fer third base and you folks at home can get the RBI and bring me home with yer comments.

The Good.
Most every Blogger me knows enjoys a good read. Today me happened on just that at

East, West and Everything in Between.

This is Boob Hug Betty

Written by Betty Boob Hug ; this blog from down under has a self effacing way of looking at the foilbles of life and BBH has a great way of presenting a story that draws you in and allows you to feel the moment.
She don't need me support for she got plenty of readers, but iffin ya take the time to visit her place, Me tells ya that their be nuthin to make ya sorry that ya did.

Monster's Note: The writer's name is Betty Boob Hug. The icon pictured above is Boob Hug Betty.

The Bad
The Monster dislikes a Rip-Off. Stealing someone else's work is the lowest form of flattery.
The Generator Kid has done just that. Karthik has pretty much copied the Generator Blog which is a great place to find all kinds of great dodads fer yer posts. Check out what me made with he help. Iffin ya want to play with such things. Stick to the original.

The Ugly
Anybody who reads me drivel must know by now about the inanity that passed between Kermit and Me. It seems that Me not be alone in the banality that this person brings to the comment section.
For the pure pleasure of it; Me believes that we should develop a system for tracking and informing the blogging public of her whereabouts. KermiLert. Yes, me understands that this will bring her a certain amount of fame and prominence in the bloggysphere, but Me be pretty certain that it not be the kind of fame she be looking fer.
KermiLert: Don't go blogging without it.

Me no feelin lucky, punk.

The wind cried....Monster.

2007-09-07T22:45:00.000+09:00

One heckuva storm raged through the country yesterday and today. The English language papers are calling it Typhoon Fitow, but in Japan it was simply named storm No. nine.

This beast tore up trees, toppled vending machines, tumbled houses, flooded roads, sank bridges and generally made everone's life quite miserable and terrifying all at the same time.

Getting to work were a harrowing experience. People walking along the streets had umbrellas ripped from their grasp. These flying raptors, spindly and shapeless, would swoop down upon unsuspecting victims and envelop them in a loving embrace before being tossed to the ground.
Some persistent folks were determined to travel by bicycle. These particular fools were buffeted by winds that would push them into traffic. Me were surprised that nobody got hit.

At the entrance to the building where Me be employed Me were greeted the sight of sandbags stacked out front to prevent any possible water damage. The building is only a block from a river and the possibility of flooding loomed throughout the day.

There were no view from the windows today. The sky were darkened by the continuous thrashing of the storm and the glass were a solid ripple of undulating rain.

Most students cancelled their lessons; which were probably a good thang. The fantastic change in air pressure and negative ions from this monster had everyone feeling furry headed and bland. A general feeling of malaise permeated the atmosphere.

When stuff like this happens nothing feels right, sounds right or tastes right.

Tomorrow will be a long and hopefully exciting day for me. The Scary Monster will Em-Cee a party of over 600 bikers. Me will be absent tomorrow, but will post pictures on Sunday.

Stay Stompy.

One of many gauntlets.

2007-09-07T01:11:00.000+09:00

Today's post be the result of an ongoing discussion between Kermit and the Monster. Me were gonna do something different, but me had so much fun with this that Me just had to share it with you.

This be Me reply to he commentary on the posts titled: Riddle Me This... and Yer Blog be Dumb

Kermit, Me tenacious, bombastic detractor. Me gonna write this slowly so that you may ruminate upon me words and see iffin we can put this thing to rest. Me has a post that me wants to write and this continued banter is becoming utterly tiresome.

1. That you were under the impression that me post were about reducing the seriousness of a topic from importance to paltriness is because you assigned that idea yourself. Me never stated that there were a dearth of comedy in the writings of any of the people mentioned in the post. Please read the post again.

2. If you are trying to reach the widest possible audience and get yer message across, why not use humour? It be the perfect delivery system. The philosophers and poets often utilise obscure imagery and convoluted arguments to defend their theories and abstractions. The comedian speaks in plain language! There be a lot less people who don’t get ‘the Joke’ than there are who can understand the Rawlsian precepts of justice.

3. You have assumed that Camille Alexa (One should always take pains to get someone’s name right.) will no longer visit me home. Unless you are privy to information that Me ain’t, then that is extremely presumptuous of you. That she be confused were something she stated herself and she weren't the first person to visit here to make that statement.
Once again me gonna beseech you to actually read the post. Me weren’t tryin to be funny. Iffin Me were than it would have been painfully obvious.

4. In yer initial reference to the costume party you used hearsay to make yer point (Me let that slide) in yer second reference to the aforementioned party you make it sound as if you had actually attended. Either way you speak fer others and they just might find that offensive. Yer friends just might have been trying to balance things out by inviting some unnaturally black folks.

5. The focus of my criticism of yer blog were to point out that we are all imperfect and ought to respect the failings of others. Me accepted yer insults with what me believes to be the graciousness that a host or hostess must display, but Me cannot condone a gratuitous display of ignorance wrapped up in something that construes and aspires to be erudition or cleverness.

6. There is nothing unusual about people creating artistic sites utilizing their photography or artwork, Me has done that. You may, as you see fit, continue to comment on blogs. That’s what they are there for. Just don’t be surprised that not everyone will agree with yer perceptions and thoughts, Me don’t.
Finally, and me does mean to close this discussion at this time; for Me has already wasted much time with this inane debate about what you have ‘said’. Me not gonna be able to go into the things ya haven’t ‘said’.
Me truly believes that one needs to walk the walk before ya can talk the talk. Ya just happen to be fortunate that ya picked the Monster fer this. If ya tried this shit with Mr. Dyckerson he would have left you slap happy, bound, gagged, sodomized and giggling in a dank, dark cellar.

Do two things fer me pal. Try to be more considerate in the future and don’t delete yer comments. It would make this post incomprehensible.

STOMP.

Post Stomp: Me chooses to mangle the English language as a part of Me character, you seem to do it out of ignorance. Back to school with you, it's safer there.

Yer Blog be Dumb!

2007-09-06T00:29:00.000+09:00

Yesterday Me got an e-mail from a friend and a comment from a really sweet reader who told me that they not do understand the stuff I be writing about in me posts.
Actually, Camille stated that: "I understand your posts less and less, Monster. I read every single one, but I'm totally lost around here these days. I've been afraid to admit it, but there it is."
What friend said was, "what kind of stupid crap are you writing about? People want to read fun stuff, your shit isn't fun it's weird and incoherent." He also told me that he didn't want to post any negative comments on my page so that nobody else would know what he thought.

Me guess he figured that me be having many folks visitin and expectin that me would be posting something that would either entertain or enlighten. He guessed right, but Me wouldn't have minded the public rebuke. Making it private made it seem... Me don't know, shameful.
Me don't really know what to think of this.

Me gots to be thankful fer the honesty and concern that these two people displayed. The emperor be walkin nekkid and someone gotta tell him that he dingle be wavin in the wind.
The people who come here and share their time with me be important to me. Giving someone yer time and consideration be a precious thang, so me feels compelled to say to you:

People, Feel free to express any kinda crazy shit you want. In fact Me cordially invites you to go ahead and knock me around a bit. There is one thing though, if you do happen to like anything be sure to mention that too.
Me needs criticism as well as praise.

Me no nuthin but a Monster.

Riddle Me This...

2007-09-04T23:05:00.000+09:00

Where do you look fer answers?

The Bible?
History?
Biographies and Autobiographies?
Yer therapist?
The philosophers?
The clergy?
Teachers and advanced learning classes?
Politicians? (Me sure hopes not)

Actually, Me don't wanna take anything away from ya and yer beliefs, the way you gather the information you need to make intelligent choices about yer lives, but me gots ta asks youse a question: Where be the fun?

We base our politics and communal structures on the Nicomachean line of thought: That is to say that People should be acting in a way that helps them fulfill a purpose or end that begets the best good or the fulfilment of their purpose. (I know there is a lot more to this, but I am not trying to deal with all of Aristotle's thoughts in a single bound.)

Kant told us we have bodies that took up space and experience of the body is required before its presence becomes clear (and a whole lot of other shit that I just can't go into now) and Descartes told us we don't even know iffin we be bodies, but we know - Cogito ergo sum. So we battle against the shit that causes us to bruise and tell ourselves that we be imagining it.
Ya, psycho babble. (Iffin I tell you that you be a banana, how you gonna convince me different?)

Look, Me not here to give you an insight to the ways that other people think. Me didn' t do Thomas Aquinas or Nietzsche or Moses and left a lot of other folks out of the picture (I am not yer teacher, nor yer preacher)
So where the heck is me be going?

Me gonna tell ya.

Laughs, comedy, chuckles.

Never has a "great brain" of history produced a moment of levity (do me a favor and tell me if I am wrong) I don't want to piss you off (yes I do) but Jesus never cracked a joke. Socrates commited suicide. Ghandi were asassinated. Mother theresa looks dour and Me gots to ask one simple thing.

How come they didn't ask or do anything more realistic of us than Frank Gorshin did?
Why do we think that those who use lofty words and phrases are so much further along the road to truth and enlightenment than we are?
Me be pretty sure that you got some kind of answers for what you be seein.

Me not tellin you that the shoulders of those who thought before us are narrow. On the contrary, they be great, but they not the be all and end all to human thought. And iffin we spend our time just regurgitating the thoughts of others;how long will we have to wait fer something new?

Yes Me be drunk and blogging, again. And lookin fer a laugh.

Me no doing sobriety ya.

Lets see whatchya got.

2007-09-04T08:17:00.000+09:00

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Mirror, mirror.

2007-09-03T23:00:00.000+09:00

There be lies and truth in the world and Me be thinking that these polls be representative in a odd sort of way. Most everyone took the easy way way out and wouldn't admit to doin someone harm for a laugh. Others took the high road and said that they wouldn't even participate in a gag.
Me be lookin fer the best and the worst in humans. All the nobel traits as well as the despicable reside within us. Mebbe when we are able to honestly confront that which we fear to be the truth about ourselves can we confront the hidden darkness of the Id.

Cruise fer puddles to splash people with while yer driving.	3 (16%)
Pull the chair out from under someone as they were just about to sit down.	1 (5%)
Switch someones mouse frome righty to lefty when they leave their desk.	10 (55%)
Un screw objects such as salt shakers or doorknobs.	5 (27%)
The old dollar bill and fishing line gag	5 (27%)
None! Me be an angel on earth.	6 (33%)

Votes so far: 18
Poll closed

A world of Emotion

2007-09-02T23:05:00.000+09:00

We often try to add stuff to a line of text that lets the reader know just how we are feeling. English speakers use one type of emoticons and Japanese use another.
One advantage to the Japanese system be that ya don't have to turn yer head sideways to see what be represented by the logo at the end of the sentance. Me be collected a bunch of symbols from the Vixen's cell phone. Now with the help from Me little pink droogie, Me show you how to use.
Enjoy.

Cabo was at a loss. He was stuck in a strange place with no idea what to do next.
(ΘoΘ;) With nothing but his backpack, his knife; [which looked more like a sword on him because of his stature (*_*) ] and his memories, he trudged through town until his legs could carry him no further. Being on board a ship for so long had taken away some of his ability to walk for long periods of time without tiring. (￣○￣;) As our frog sat in the shade of a tree alongside a dusty road in the middle of a town where he had no friends, he pondered both his future and his past. The future held nothing but possibilities and the past was just a collection of happy memories of making friends ♪へ(^o^ヘ)(ノ^o^)ノ♪ overcoming adversity L(^o^)」 and reconciling the differences between those who were once enemies. ( ^_^)／□☆□＼(^_^ )

Now it was time to do something for himself. He believed that he was ready to do more than just simply wander around; collecting stories that he could tell to the tadpoles. He was starting to believe that there was more to life than adventure.（；￣Д￣）

It just so happened that the tree he was sitting under was heavily laden with bright pink cherries. He worked his way up to a comfotable spot high in the branches and filled his belly with the sweet fruit. Feeling sleepy (-.-)y-~~~, Cabo lay back in the fork of the branches, closed one eye and enjoyed an afternoon siesta. (-. o)zzZ

It wasn't long afterwards that there was a thunderous crash that brought him fully awake. It came from within the building across the road and soon spilled out into the street. A large fierce looking man was standing over a woman who was clutching her two small children in protective embrace. Cabo watched from his perch high in the branches and felt consternation overcome him. ┌ (-_-#) He did not want to involve himself in the business of humans.
It was at this exact moment of thinking that the Man raised his hand and struck the Woman down into the dusty road. (`o´) Cabo reacted without thought, leaping from the tree and landing on the villian's face with a solid SPLAT! Then before the Man could regain his senses he delivered several blows to his face and lept off landing gently to the ground in front of the prostrate Woman. The Man bellowed, but Cabo silenced him by holding up a hand and speaking: "Allow me to introduce my self to you. My name is Cabo, a simple a frog who wishes to pass through this town in search of adventure." The Man snarled, but couldn't keep the look of surprise off his face. ＼(◎o◎)／ The Frog continued, "I do not wish to get involved in the affairs of humans for they are an untrustworthy lot, but I will not sit idly by while you abuse someone who is weaker than you. That my friend is despicable and disgusts me to no small degree!" 。・゜゜(>_<)゜゜・。

Without a word the Man drew his sword and attacked. Slashing at the spot that Cabo had occupied only a scant moment before. (°д°;;) His blade met with nothing but air as our protagonist evaded the blow and drew his blade at the same time (* - *)/~~ the ensuing fight between Man and Amphibian was fierce. *[if you not think that it be possible fer a frog to take on a human than me must direct you to the scene in the Star Wars saga where Yoda duels with Separatist leader and Sith Lord Count Dooku(*^_^*) ]

Cabo swiftly disarmed the pusillanimous polecat and sent him running o(^-^)o, but not before the Man could retrieve his sword and bellow: "You've made a big mistake by getting involved in this, Frog. I will return and not by myself you will answer for the disrespect you have done to a member of the ruling house." Cabo took a meanacing step forward and the Man scurried off. There was a shout from be hind him and Cabo turned to see the children jumping up and down laughing and slapping hands ( ^_^)人(^_^ ) "Did you see that?" The boy asked his sister. "I sure did. Awesome battle ( ^ _ ^)∠☆PAN!" The Woman just stared in shock at the sight of a little pink frog who had overcome the terror in her life (ToT). She grabbed the Frog and kissed him on the cheek (^з^)-☆Chu!! "Thank you, thank you for saving us from that horrible beast"
Cabo gently pried himself free sheathed his knife and helped the Woman stand. Eventhough he tried to keep his countennance blank, he could not hide the warm feeling of pleasure he felt at defeating his adversary. (^-^)g"

Cabo stopped smiling once he realized that he would no longer be able to continue with his travels. (;_;) The fact that he had gotten involved in this meant that he had to stay and see it finished. After all the Man did say he would return and if he abandoned the Woman and her children now, things would only get worse for her. (^_^;) He ushered them inside where he asked for the detais of her story and the background of the Man whom he had defeated. ＼（＾＾　）

The children were ecstatic (^O^) and kept interrupting their mothers tale with dozens of sily questions that kids always manage to ask "How come you can talk? Where are you from? where did you learn to fight? Where did you get the sword? Can you teach me how to do that? " Cabo was slightly embarrassed by the whole situation f^_^; and decided to get his information elsewhere. As he started to leave the Woman cried nervously "You're not leaving us, are you?"
(-o-;) Cabo replied with the assurance that he would return in a short while. Explaining that he needed to gather some information on the situation. The Woman looked both happy and relieved at the same time (*^m^*) and told the Frog that she would have a meal ready for him upon his return. The children watched as Cabo made his way up the road. They were jumping and cheering ('◇')ゞ and calling out. (^O^)/~~ see you !

to be continued...

Me no thinkin today.

Sycophantic Sunday.

2007-09-02T14:43:00.000+09:00

Ok here we go. On Me new adventure, Me will be attempting to collect as many new avatars as monsterously possible. Me be hoping that a long protracted period of blog-hopping will provide the spurious results me be looking fer.

On another note: Me wants to highlight the efforts of a blogger every week. It may or may not be someone who been doin this fer a long time, but rather someone Me hopes to flatter enough so that they assist me in aquiring a longer and variagated comments section.

Today Me wants to share a blog with you called:

Peacocks & Butterflies

The reason me be highlighting this particular blog is simply because she asked me to. It don't take much to get the Monster's attention, folks. Me did ask fer a picture of her in the nude, but hasn't received it yet.

Now as far as Me can tell this gal likes nature. She got pics of, well, butterflies and peacocks, but she don't write about them.
Me can tell you that you shouldn't ride a bicycle while she be on her way to work and that she don't always get along with her physician. She kills plants and doesn't really like her boss.
She not be all that different from you and Me except that she be a Canuck and probably puts Mayonnaise on her french fries or is that freedom fries? Me caint remember.

Visit this chick and let her know the monster sent ya, so she will do her best to spread the word about Me No Blog around like a butterfly hopping around from flower to flower.

Me no got nuthin better to do on a Sunday.

David Bowie Take Down.

2007-09-01T22:15:00.000+09:00

As a musician and singer songwriter, Ziggy Stardust has got to be considered to be one of the most popular and most influential personas in contemporary art and music.
That be precisely why Me, The one and only incredibly Scary Monster, be planning a coup.
Me wants to depose the Thin white duke and replace him as the number one slot under the Google search for Scary Monster. Me actually did the research folks and Me stopped lookin fer me name after the fifteenth page or so. Me be gettin tired of People mistakin Me fer some silly album. It be embarrassing.

The Plan: Fer the next few days me will be foraging into the unknown areas of yer blogger buddies and going Avatar hunting. Me be wanting as many vistors as Blogger and Google can handle. Even as you are reading this, a complete and detailed bonus and reward system for those of you who bring in the largest amount of new members is being hammered out by a team of wholly unqualified Asian civil servants; working dilligently in the back room of an old abandoned tea house.
With yer help we can achieve a new high in inanity, so call on all ya know and ask them ta visit and leave a STOMP.

Me believes that as a group, focused and intent on toppling the giant; we can do something that ain't been done before. Join the Monster Party!

Me no really expectin much.

Post Stomp:Me wants to thank all the friends who responded to yesterday's post. Your compassion, understanding and warmth be very much appreciated. Thankyou all very much. stomp.

Post, post Stomp: Next week we be goin after Bob dylan!

Just before the dawn

2007-08-31T22:27:00.000+09:00

About two months ago, me were probably at one of the lowest points in me life. Me were so upset and depressed by me situation that me were be considering either takin off and disappearing or doing meself in.
This be not like me. Me gonna say that again, just sos ya know. This is NOT like me. Me don't ever let the temporary circumstances of life get to me so badly that me wants to snuff it. Even when me life were threatened by disease, Me had a more positive outlook on things.
Man, Me cain't tell you how goldarned terrifying this be to me now that me be looking backwards.

To be honest, right now this place these thoughts and the words used to express them be the single source of satisfaction that me has.

Me wonder what me gonna do when me gives it up?

Things at work have changed. Me be talking a McTwist kinda change. Fer tha last two weeks Me has actually been getting up and looking forward to going to work and feeelin good by the time me comes home.
In the past when work got me down or it weren't fun Me just changed jobs, but now me be older, married and handcuffed to loans that Me needs to pay back.
It sucks when you feel that you have had the freedom of choice taken away from you. Me not used to it and Me ain't the kinda Monster that enjoys wearing a collar.
Like Me said, Me got lucky. Work be a better place and Me ain't bringing me garbage home anymore, the Vixen likes that.

Other than blogging or writing, what be yer main mode of stress relief?
Do you have a story of utter bleakness and despair that you be willing to share?

Me no throwin in the towel.

Will all the nonconformists, please stand up!

2007-08-30T23:08:00.000+09:00

There is no substitute for originality.
You might agree or disagree with me on this.
Me be constantly searching for it and Me likes to find it when perusing through the posts of bloggers who be new to me.
Recently Me be noticing a certain trend to substitute imaginative thought with pre-packaged themes that Me feels take away from the novelty of actually voicing something new.

Why would me want to take the few free hours of me day to look at posts that are somewhat similar. Me can understand that there be a hint of uniqueness in them, but after all HNT be nothing but a picture a week and much the same can be said for Mute mondays.

55 Flash fridays and the friday feast can offer something of the writers personality, but me still feels that Me be looking at a form letter that been jazzed up a bit. It makes me think of listening to the Grateful Dead redone in Muzak.

Is there other days that me has missed? Me means, be there other themes that you have heard about? Let me know.
Iffin ya do themed posts that lots of others share in, could you explain the attraction to me?
Me be at a loss.

Then again there be something that me believes would be a pretty good idea: Sycophantic Sundays - The chance to highlight a blogger a week and suck up to them so their fans will come and visit yer blog too.
What do ya think, shall we all give it a go?

Me no wanna be you.